"Snail's Pace Productions Pleasant Facade Estates The Bizzy Buddies

The Night Before Christmas humorous illustrated story featuring The Bizzy Buddies writer illustrator Vuja Day

Bizzy Buddies - Pleasant Facade Estates Vuja Day
SCENE 1
INT. HOUSE - AFTERNOON

JAKE AND HIS SHOWOFFNESS
Jake has "issues" (which he really doesn't, but he uses guilt to manipulate his parents and he's been put in "therapy" (because he has all these "allergy issues" and can't be around hay and animals... only around concrete and skateboards. His mother Jane uses her guilt to manipulate Troy and Troy responds with frustration and anger, plus anger at Tommy and anger at the world in general.

JAKE: Jake is jealous of the attention his father seems to have for Barley.Jake has asthma and allergies and can't be around hay. Therefore, he doesn't work on the farm. He is too busy trying to be an online sensation.

Jake downloads a malevolent spirit through his oujia board and it infects the deep dark web... creating the deepest, darkest web (DDW.whatver.com) that is approached only by using the LOR browser (the leek router) to ifiltrate the DDW (acronym for Deepest Darkest Web). Because this is Leekville, homeland security is keeping an eye on potential threats. They have to stop the Deepest Darkest Web from infecting the rest of the internet

Jake wants to invest in SpitCoin Jake talks alot about the "nerdy kid" who is working on some "lame project". This goes on for awhile. Then finally the kid comes out with "The Leek Router". Jake says "I knew it was going to be a hit all along!"

Nerdy kid who creates the Leek Router... turns out to be Cosmo! Jake gets to know Cosmo when Leaza gets a gig as Cosmo's babysitter

JAKE Jane takes Jake to therapy sessions. She feels guilty because Jake was so jealous of his cousin Barley growing up

Jake gets a job at BizzyLand as a character. He doesn't take his responsibility seriously, is late for work, lets himself get run-down and dehydrated so that he passes out in his suit, and paramedics have to rip off the head, which traumatizes a bunch of little kids nearby.

Jake's birthday party, they go online and try to do a seance. Barley is uncomfortable and leaves. BizzyLand has a shooting gallery, you shoot the blinking colored light and it turns white and after you've shot all, the black bgd goes up and reveals a constellation or a pattern

----------------------------------------- JAKE WORKING BIZZYLAND

Jake gets a job at Bizzy Land (thanks to his Uncle Tommy's connections). Troy HATES Bizzy Land, and the Bizzy Buddies. Jake gets a job as one of the characters. A position you have to earn and have to live a certain way. The character jobs are difficult to get, you have to be a student with a certain GPA. Keep hydrated, sleep regular hours, be healthy. A healthy person cannot handle this job. You have to look at this job with dedication and responsibility. You are a role model to kids. But Jake gets the job because of his connections to his Uncle Tommy. Having this job as a character is considered a high honor... a privilege.

JAKE: How hard can it be, wearing a stupid chipmunk costume all day?

Jake shows up to work tired, frazzled and has to wear the costume. He freaks out, getting claustrophobic. He is dying of thirst and then he has to vomit

Jake's "character handlers" have to rip the head off the character (in front of little kids who are then traumatized "They're ripping Twinkie's head off!!!"

MGR: You have to be responsible... you represent The Bizzy Buddies World.\par \par Jake got a job as one of the costumed characters... he brags, stays up all night, goes to job, gets a panic attack/faints - they have to tear the head off of him, terrified children screaming!\par TY: I gotta go... I have work tomorrow morning.\par JAKE: You're so weak. I can stay up all night and STILL get to work\par \par

???(one of the kids) accidentally sends the DRAFT VERSION of the love letter to some guy. The guy's looking at his phone, perplexed. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++THE CRASH:Jake tells Timmy to video his great "feat"later "Did he say "feat" or "feet"?JAKE: I want you to record this great feat!a succession of frantic leg movements .TIMMY: Did he say "feat" or "feet"?Jake gets to the top of the stairs, and suddenly he's not feeling so confident.DEVIL: Go ahead and do it anyway... you said you'd do it. They'd all be so disappointed if you didn't do it. just do it.ANGEL: Walk away with graceJAKE: Who's Grace?Just as Jake starts to make up his mind he slips and rolls down the hill. The crowd of kids thinks it's grat at first, but then they realize he's in trouble and their faces turn to horror as Jake crashes spectacularly, a succession of frantic leg movements and crashing skateboard.Jake is jealous of the attention Troy shows Barley. Jake sees Leeza walking her dog, he grabs the leash of some dog from some dog-walker, dashes over to impress Leeza, the dog takes a big dump right in front of her. ewww gross Jake gets a job as a character at the local theme park. He goes to "character training" INSTRUCTOR: Whatever you do, never let them see you out of costume. Never sitting and smoking... One guy was smoking in his costume and a lit ash landed on the acryic polyester of the costume and... (shudder) ugh. Jake is acting like Mr. Bigshot, that he's the character... on his first day of work he faints. the next time he panics, and pulls the head off... right in front of horrified kids (whose parents sue the park for emotional distress) on his second daay of work he PUKES! (in the costume)s INSTRUCTOR: Three's the charm buddy... and you're fired. JAKE: Not even one more chance? He stands behind the girls and listens as they talk about him. GIRL1: I have the hots for Jake! GIRL2: I have the hots for Jake! Jake is standing behind them, JAKE: (grinning) Jake doesn't tell any of his friends he's fired, in fact, he tells them he's going to be the character in the parade (but he's NOT). When the parade goes by, the girls are all excited, yelling his name out as the float goes by, and then they turn around and there he IS... unsuspectingly behind them. JAKE: Magic. JAKE: (shrugging) Magic? The girls GLARE at Jake. Barley and Friends Lance Boyle Zak Li Jake Masters Barley everything he says is followed by "whatever" JAKES FRIEND: I went to the store whateer and bought a loaf of bread whatever. (and also says "uh huh") Jake prefaces everything with "dude" and "bra" TOMMY: Why is he talking about women's underclothes? A dude is just one e away from being a dud. cherry dyes her hair to match her outfits and Jake only drinks Burpees the color of his hair. friends ask jake: do you dye your hair to match your slurpee, or do you order a slurpee to match your hair? which came first... the dye or the slurpee. Jake is a bit obnoxious, but in a semi-lovable way, if you're into cocky and arrogant Jake is indignant that a YOUNGER kid (two years younger) can do all kinds of hot tricks and he's looking for sponsorship. JAKE: (snarling) That puny litte kid?! TY: And I heard, Leeza thinks he's cute! JAKE: What?! TY: That's what Frankie told Zena. Or, did Zena tell Frankie? JAKE: It's all hearsay! TY: What is? Jake has a conversation with the kid: "Yeah, someday you'll get lots of money and lots of chicks." "I skate because I love it." "ah, that's a lousy reason. you're too idealistic. ya gotta be realistic. the almighty dollar. that's the only reason i get out of bed in the morning, the allmighty dollar. That, and chicks. The kid wears a helmet, Jake makes fun of that. The kid wears skate shoes, Jake scoffs at that. He is the "purist" and goes barefoot. He is indignant when someone yells "be careful" and he turns around to berate the person "Of course I'm careful" and then he (almost) slams into a pole. BARLEY: (horrified) Oh dear angels... An angel pops up to save Jake at the last second... everyone thinks (especially himself) that Jake is some amazing skateboarder... but he's not. It's his ANGEL saving his ass everytime he does something stupid. (His angel saves him). Then Jake starts bragging about riding TWO skateboards down Cemetery Hill while drinking a Burpee and playing guitar! The kid goes home, gets his homework done, then skates. He wears the right equipment. He exercises, warms up and eats right, sleeps right, focuses on the moment. Jake skates barefoot after pulling all-nighters trying to get his homework done at the last minute, while thinking of other things (mainly girls). they're at the movies, jake and his buddies sit behind cherry and her friends. he is open crinkly bags, the girls are getting annoyed. "Ill be quiet-er" "They why don't you start now?!" there is a melee, and someone gets it on video. Jake wants to impress a group of girls ("tee hee hee hee") and brays that he will ride down Cemetery Hill on not one but TWO skateboards! Fueled by 3 Red Bulls, skating barefoot on not one but two skate boards, while drinking a slurpee. He is very cocky and arrogant, then he gets to the top of the stairs and sweat beads form on his face and we see a POV of the stairs - a nightmare of scary stairs! Then he has this conversation with "himself", but it's really the "left side" versus the "right side", or mischief versus reason, etc While he's having this conversation with "himself", the crowd below becomes restless, and someone yells out, accusing him of "chickening out". Lance loses his footing, starts down the stairs, at first it's kinda fun. As he responds he loses footing and starts down the stairs, at first it's kinda fun, and everyone watching him is enjoying it. Lance: (I'm soaring.... I'm flying!) The audience is watching appreciatively. , but then he starts to stumble, but everyone thinks he's doing it on purpose, it's part of the act, they're cheering him on. Lance stumbles and starts to lose his composure. The audience thinks it's all part of the act and continues watching appreciatevely. Lance: (I'm going to die!!!!) He takes a horrific tumble and ends up upside down, in the cemetery. Lance: (I was right) Full view of the cemetery, with Lance upside down. Lance: (somehow, the irony of this is not lost upon me" The slurpee lands next to him, unspilled. Lance: (There is a God) Lance thinks he's dead. Lance: (Am I dead?) His friends are standing over him, shining a flashlight into his eyes. Lance: (I see a bright light. I must be in heaven) He sees Cherry standing over him, peering expectantly at him. Lance: (Cherry! I MUST be in heaven.) Pull back to reveal friends standing over him with a flashlight. Lance: "Hey! Are you guys dead too?" Barley: (looking at Lance's pupils with flashlight) I think he has brain damage. Zak Li: How can you tell. Lance: I'm aware enough to be insulted. Ow! Oooh! One of the other kids is calling 911. Other kids are taking pictures, video. kid1: I uploaded this video 25 seconds ago and I already have 72 likes! Zak: We need to keep exclusivve rights to the video. Kid1: Now I'm up to 197 likes! The video is now viral! Jake lands at the bottom of the stairs on Cemetery Hill, right next to a bunch of gravestones. "The irony of this is not lost upon me." Barley: "The aliens warned me this would happen" "You and your aliens! Why can't your aliens tell you what the winning lotto ticket numbers are. Or where the lost gold of Atlantis is?!" The ambulance arrives, and Lance Boyle is videotaping all this. All the kids are watching him get loaded into the ambulance, and the attendants have a difficult time jostling his body. They shut the doors, and are riding to the hospital in the ambulance where his crying and hysterical parents greet him. His friends are there in the ER too. The doctors have to cut his pants off, revealing his Mutant Ninja Turtles underwear. He's in his room, basking in the "luxury".... private room, 580-channel satellite, gameboy, all the green jello you can eat.... and his crying and hysterical parents barge in. ***** The video goes viral. Lance eomes a media darling.... reciveing presents, attention, visitors. He's having fun in the hospital. The best think, however.... NO SCHOOL! NO HOMEWORK! He's in his room, basking in the "luxury".... private room, 580-channel satellite, gameboy, all the green jello you can eat.... and .... NEEDLES?! Needles?! and blood?! " His grandma barges in with a cake "And cake!"Well, the pros outweigh the cons." People show up with presents, flowers, food and balloons, bubbles. Someone brings a stolen pot of flowers (from some lady's porch) and it ends up infecting the hospital with bugs and they have to fumigate. The gay guys bring their "baby" alligator in a baby carriage, hiding in flowers. The friends and family are gone. Jake is enjoying the peace and quiet (and no history tests) The doctors are talking about discharging him. This concerns Jake, because he is enjoying himself in the hospital, and getting all the presents and attention. Jake is enjoying himself in the hospital so much, he exaggerates his symptoms so the doctors will let him stay longer. The doctors then think there is something seriously wrong with jake, (they look it up on wikimeds.com) and they are performing a battery of tests while jake enjoys 582 channels satellite, food, presents etc Jake finds out his "private room" is really a SEMI-private room. And his new roommate is an 80 year old fart (who does just that) and wheezes and coughs and chokes and gasps and moans. Lance's parents visit him in the hospital, and bring with them a private tutor for HOME SCHOOLING (the librarian lady). Lance is upset. Home schooling.... with HER?!?! He feigns illness with doctors to prolong his stay. The 4 doctors come in a group, asking him all kinds of questions. Then they leave, and consult "wiki-med" on their computers. They come up with 4 different diagnoses. The doctors want to give Jake all kinds of injections. Jake: (concerned) What size needles do you have? Nurse: small, medium and large. Jake: so that's a large one, right? Nurse: (laughing uproariously) No baby, no... this here needle is SMALL! You'll get one of the bigger ones later, whoo whee! (more laughter) Of course, you'll be so doped up on morphine to care (chuckle) Jake: somehow, that doesn't reassure me. Now Jake tries convincing his doctors that he's not THAT sick, he wants to get out, but now they are insisting on keeping him because they think he might be dying or something. "Is this really necessary?" "By all the symptoms you described to us... yes." "Emphatic yes" "Yes, emphatically yes" they order exploratory surgery. And they will have to shave his head! Dr. 1: We have to do exploratory brain surgery" Lance is trying to remain calm. "Cool" (with unsureness) Dr. 2: "We will use a laser beam and cut into your skull" Lance: Cool (lots of trepidation) Dr. 3: "You will be on heavy drugs" Lance: (less worried) Cool Dr. 4: "We will have to shave your hair off" Lance starts freaking out, screaming. The scream carries all over the hospital. His body shuts down from the stress and he lapses into a coma. Jake freaks out so much, he suffers so much emotional trauma that he ends up in a coma! Then his hospital is overrun with family members who haven't spoken to each other in years (Troy and Tommy), and they are arguing and saying things over his body like "aw, he can't hear". They also talk about him in the past tense. "He was such a sweet boy" Jake is completely aware, but he can't open his eyes or move. Each person who comes to visit, he describes for the reader. Sammy, Zak and Masako Roland, Callie, Olivia, Eddie Uncle Troy and Family Tommy, Tammy, Timmy, sister grandma lance boyle the gay guys and pet alligator Precious His friends try to wake him from his coma by bringing ibn a ghetto blaster with his favorite band "hella Oxidized" they end up driving everyone else out of the wing and the police arrive, but Jake is still in a coma. Someone brings Jake's two dog and cat to the hospital, rat too, and they end up running all around. Boopsie the alligator is there too While jake is in his coma he comes to the realization that he was trying to fake people, by being someone something that he really wasn't. He tried being a "skateboarder" without the necessary work/responsibility involved. While in his coma, jake remembers someone saying "If you don't define yourself, someone else will. So choose, if you don't want to be defined by others, define yourself first. Jake realizes that he was always trying to be something he wasn't, like a pro skate board rider. "I won't try to be anyone else. I will be ME... and I am HUNGRY!!! Family members sitting around, looking at him. Cousin1: who gets his skateboard if he dies? Aunt: shush, Jerry, don't talk like that! Cousin2: I do! Cousin Meat is sitting there, dripping chili dog on his Jake's blankets. Jake's nose hairs are wriggling, and he flashes out of his coma, screaming "Gimme that!!!" "And you aren't getting my skateboard, you little puke!" Jake's nose hairs wiggle when he smells something - it's cousin Meat's chili dog from "Morty's" dog house. His nose hairs are wriggling as the chilidog is dripping on his bed. JAKE'S SKATEBOARDING ACCIDENT younger bro is aspiring film maker, always has video camera in everyone's face, talks about screen writing, life is a series of setup, conflict, drama, 3-acts, subplot Guys are hanging around skate park, watching one kid doing great tricks guy1: It would be cool to star on an episode of 'Scarred'. Guy1: He wants to skate professionally. Every day after he finishes his homewrok, he's out here guy2: what's your strategy" skater: I'm careful about what I eat, get enough sleep, I warm up, exercise before skating, focus on the moment, wear my helmet Jake: If HE can do it, I can do it. zak (to jake): Bro, where's your helmet? Jake: Helmets miss up my hair, they mess with my cool. I like the feeling of the wind in my hair (he suddenly falls) Zak (laughing): and the feeling of the concrete on your butt. Jake (to lil bro) dude, I want you to videotape me doing some tricks He sees the girl he has a huge crush on, Jake: (screaming) "turn that on! turn that on! someone has a guitar and he grabs it. Jake: (showing off) Not only will I skate down those stairs while drinking a slurpee... The girl stops (with her gaggle of girlfriends of course) and everyone has stopped, and are listening. Jake: (continued bragging and posturing) I will ride two skateboards at the same time down the stairs while drinking a slurpee and playing jimi hendrix on my guitar! The cute girl and her friends are all giggling, she smiles at him everytime he makes another declaration. Jake: (showing off) I will drink a ! Jake gets to the top of the stairs, a POV shot of the stairs, Jake is standing there, everyone is watching, he gets to the top of the stairs (after all that bragging and posturing), we see a POV shot of the incredibly steep and scary stairs, and we see a closeup of Jake's face, starting to sweat a bit, a pained grimace that turns itself into a "brave" smile, the crowd cheers him on. Jake: (grimacing) Holy s@#$% (and then...) What did I get myself into. (and then...) I think I'm going/goin' to die. The kids in the group start chanting "Jake-y ... Jake-y" Medium shot of Jake Jake's little "consciousnesses" appear on either shoulder. The red devil (Lana delRey) one tells him to "go for it", everyone will think he's a hero" and the white angel(with the head and voice of Rodney Dangerfield) one tells him otherwise"you'll probably live your life in abject humiliation, but at least you'll be alive". Ha Jake's standing at the top of the stairs, everyone watching him silently, with this war going on in his head, everyone staring at him, watching and the war is waging/continues to wage, and just before Jake can do anything someone from the side bellows "Awww... he's turning chicken!" That makes Jake react and he GOES! We see him rolling at extremely high speed down the stairs Lil bro is videotaping, Jake does his skating, starts flipping out, guys think he's doing it on purpose Zak: man, I had no idea he was so good Other people in the crowd: "ooh" "wow" "amazing" "he is a great skateboarder!" Then he catches the eye of the girl, and he loses focus and he wipes out spectacularly Other people in the crowd: "ugh" "ewww" "awful" "he is a terrible skateboarder!" Meanwhile, Jake is panic stricken, Lil bro is still videotaping Jake wipes out spectacularly - the whole thing is videotaped, blood, gore, screams, entrails and all lil bro (as the ambulance arrives ) oh, the conclusion... Jake's screaming "turn that off! turn that off! The ambulance is arriving. Jake is moaning in pain. the guys are excited about seeing the ambulance arrive They get to the hospital, one of the guys is flirting with the nurse "We should come to the hospital more often" Barley: he can't be THAT injured. The doctors cut off his pants, and he's wearing Mutant Ninja Turtle underwear! Jake is in hospital, hooked up with wires. His friends are visiting, trying to make him feel good Barley: Dude, you rock those wires. Zak: yeah, you make life support look cool When Jake's video goes viral, he becomes a sensation, the local cause de celebre! Everyone is visiting him in the hospital, he has lots of presents, attention. His parentts visit him, talk to him about home tutoring when he returns home. They bring his new teacher to meet him. The librarian. Jake doesn't want to leave the hospital, so he starts faking symptoms, the doctors circle around, trying to figure out what's wrong with him. They go to "wikimed.com" Then they want to start injecting him with stuff, and tell him they'll have to shave his hair for the brain surgery. Jake: I'm not on life support.... I merely have a few broken bones The doctors come in and inform Jake that they will have to shave his head. Jake freaks out, screaming, the stress causes his body to shut down and he falls into a coma. Jake is in a coma While jake is lying in a coma in the hospital, the guys upload a video of his accident and it ends up getting more than 6,000 likes in a week! family members arrive, family reunion at his bedsides, arguing etc. Jake's younger cousin "Meat" visiting too. Jake is lying in the bed all covered with bandages. the relatives come in. Uncle: You look good. one of the guys steals a bunch of flowers from someone's garden, it has fly eggs on it. They bring it to the hospital and put it in Jake's drinking glass. the fly eggs hatch and there are little flies buzzing all over the hospital Barley visits Jake and brings a "healing concoction" of dried worm's poop and squirrel urine Jakes friends want to snap him out of his coma, bring ghetto blaster with his favorite band "urgent urge" blast it in his room, nurses go out running, security comes in and drags guys out. glass is breaking, nurses running around covering their heads, security, other comatose patients waking up, but not Jake. "Scarred" wants to run the video. the guys are discussing negotiations and film rights family members are sitting on opposite sides of bed, arguing about the past, while Jake is in the middle, hearing everything but can't do anything about it. They are talking about Jake in "past tense" .... WAS. Even though Jake can't talk, he can hear, but his relatives don't know that. they start arguing over his body. he's thinking "oh, I hate Aunt Zelda's perfume and Uncle Orson ate too much garlic". His nose wiggles at the smell of a greasy chili dog. Meat is eating a drippy hotdog, which causes Jake to snap out of his coma screaming "gimme that!!" he drops some money on the floor and doesn't notice it. Jake sees it, puts his foot on top of the $, drags his foot, they are all standing there waiting for him, he can't get the $ without them seeing the $ under his foot.. "you, you and you go" "But we're waiting for YOU!" SCENE 1A, EXTERIOR - Sloppee Stop Store The kids are walking into the local "Sloppee Stop" store JAKE: TY: BARLEY: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 1B, INTERIOR - Sloppee Stop Store The kids are inside the "Sloppee Stop" store JAKE: TY: BARLEY: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 2A, EXTERIOR - Pine Cone High School The kids are outside the school. JAKE: TY: BARLEY: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 2B, INTERIOR - School Hall The kids are walking through the hall. Jake is skating through the hall. JAKE: TY: BARLEY: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 2C, INTERIOR - School Hall Lockers Jake is skating through the hall. JAKE: TY: BARLEY: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 2D, INTERIOR - School Gymnasium Jake is skating through the gym JAKE: TY: BARLEY: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 2E, INTERIOR - School Boys' Bathrooms Jake is skating through the boys' bathroom. JAKE: TY: BARLEY: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 2F, INTERIOR - School Boys' Showers Jake is skating through the boys' showers. JAKE: TY: BARLEY: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 2G, INTERIOR - School Girls' Bathrooms Jake is skating through the girls' bathroom. JAKE: GIRL1: GIRL2: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 2H, INTERIOR - School Girls' Showers Jake is skating through the girls' showers. JAKE: GIRL1: GIRL2: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 2I, INTERIOR - School Hallway Jake is skating through the hallway into the classroom. JAKE: TY: BARLEY: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 2J, INTERIOR - School Classroom Jake is skating through the classroom. JAKE: TY: BARLEY: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 2K, EXTERIOR - School Lunch Area Jake is skating through the lunch area. JAKE: TY: BARLEY: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 2L, EXTERIOR - School Jake is skating outside the school. JAKE: TY: BARLEY: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 3, EXTERIOR - Neighborhood Jake is skating through the neighborhood. JAKE: TY: BARLEY: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 4, EXTERIOR - Cemetery Hill Jake "skates" down Cemetery Hill. JAKE: TY: BARLEY: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 4, EXTERIOR - Cemetery Hill Jake loses control mid-way. JAKE: TY: BARLEY: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 4, EXTERIOR - Cemetery Jake crashes out in the cemetery. JAKE: TY: BARLEY: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 5 EXTERIOR - Cemetery Jake is loaded into the ambulance. JAKE: TY: BARLEY: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 5 INTERIOR - Ambulance Jake is inside the ambulance. JAKE: EMT1 EMT2: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 6 EXTERIOR - Hospital The ambulance arrives outside the hospital. JAKE: EMT1 EMT2: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE 6 INTERIOR - Hospital Hallway Jake is on a gurney, being pushed through. His parents arrive, screaming! JAKE: EMT1 EMT2: 5555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555 Leave the broken skateboard in the frame... it makes a great visual. A little more blood! (one of the kids surreptitiously squishes a ketchup pack on the gurney (more blood) ______________________ the guys are at a fast food joint. One of them is getting his jollies by stomping on the condiments packages. Then some ends up splatting all over him ha ha! Later they use some of that ketchup for blood when they need more visual for the video Timmy is shooting. Timmy uploads it to his account, and it goes viral within hours! Jake becomes a media sensation. He is being interviewed. ----------- Tommy was an unrealistic 19 year old kid. Now he's an unrealistic 55 year old kid! My name is Barley, I'm 15... this is my brother Timmy... well, HALF-brother... but he's as whole a brother as anyone can possibly be. Even though he's been in a wheelchair since he was born, he's been to more places than you could ever imagine... all in his head. That kid has the craziest imagination, and he's always thinking up/making up/writing these awesome stories. My mom died when I was 3. Ever since she passed away, I started to see/seeing butterflies everywhere. Even following me into the grocery store! Ever since then, I have NEVER been able to kill an insect/bug. The problem is... my dad is a bug exterminator! My dad Tommy and his brother Troy both inherited the family farm. Uncle Troy kept his land, struggling to make ends meet, growing apples and keeping bee hives. My dad.. however, SOLD his land to real estate developers, and they put in a bunch of mini-mansions... it's called "Pleasant Facade Estates". After my dad Tommy had his mansion built... my Uncle Troy retaliated by building a HUGE barn... facing directly into ours yard! Oh! Uncle Troy's cows would get loose and eat my dad's huge sod lawn!That was so funny! And the STINK!! It was so funny to see my dad on a hot summer day with Uncle Troy's barn smells. In retaliation, my dad had the exteriminators at our house so much, that he eventually just bought the whole business......"Bug Ex"... now he's president and CEO/and has NO idea how to run a company. And he wants ME to go into the family business! Like I said, my mom was sick and passed away when I was 3. Several years ago my dad married a lady named Tammy, who has a daughter named Cherie. Ugh... A few years after, my dad Tommy and his wife Tammy had two more kids... Timmy, the one in the wheelchair, and Littler, the 5 year-old princess. Uncle Troy and his wife Jane have a bunch of kids... she owns a bakery and the kids are all hyped out on sugar all the time. There's Jake, the oldest, who's my age, and then three other screaming little brats. Even though they live just over the fence from one another, My dad and Uncle Troy haven't spoken to each other in 10 years. My dad is an exterminator and hates bugs. They can't even be on our property. I don't know how he's going to react when he discovers my compost worm farm. We have 5 acres of land, so I was able to keep it in the farthest corner of the property. )))))))) My cousin Jake is a real bone-head. Really, I mean, I like the guy, I really do. He's easy to like... But it's/he's easy to DIS-like him too. He shows off for the girls (the whole school, actually) and ends up in a huge skateboard accident. The video of his accident goes viral... and he becomes a media darling... soaking in all the attention. Last year, my brother Timmy and I started to experience some strange (but GOOD strange) things... he discovered "The Grandpa Tree". And after I started seeing butterflies everywhere after my mom died... last year I was in a terrible car accident and The Grandpa Tree saved my life! After that, I started communication with... the Aliens! Well, not THE aliens... plural... it's more like ONE alien, singular. I've named him Bud. And I started seeing angels too... and DEVILS! That's what got my cousin Jake into his big skateboard accident where he landed in a coma. He spent a month in a coma, we weren't sure if he ended up being brain damaged.... and we're still not sure. "yo bro" Uncle Troy and Tommy end up patching up their feud over Jake's bedside. -------------------- Grandma has a boyfriend.... Oscar Frankowitz, the patient in the hospital! He's a hypochondriac, but he loves her cakes. (and he falls for her too) Troy and Tommy decide to get matching tattoos to celebrate their recent-found togetherness. Grandma has a fit... and follows them down the mall where the tattoo shop is, and she causes a huge, embarassing scene.... but then she gets to see the tattoo shop and all the colorful tattoos, and she announces "I'm getting a tattoo too!" Her sons gasp and scream. She drives everyone crazy while she's deciding what design she wants.... and WHERE it will be. -------------------- Timmy and Littler want a pet, their dad Tommy doesn't want them. "Timmy Gets a Pet" -------------------- My dad and Tammy having problems.... Tammy moves out with Cherie... moving to Hollywood, and Tammy becomes Cherie's "momager" Cherie's "career" is fizzling abyssmally, and Tammy ends up joining a "Menopause Metal Hair Band" called "Hot Flash". And that's just what they are... a "Hot Flash in the Pan" "Cherie Goes Hollywood!" -------------------- Now that Tammy has moved out, Tommy feels guilty and lets Timmy and Littler keep two kittens from Grandma. "Pip & Squeak" -------------------- EXT. STORE - DAY The guys, all hanging out together but none of them talking to each other. They are either on the phone, texting, reading, ogling girls, but not talking to each other. "Darn these allergies" "I just learned something important when trying to impress chicks" "what's that" "never blow your nose while wearing sunglasses" Jake gets frustrated, trying to untangle his "ear buds". Ty bends over to help him, and then HIS earbuds get tangled up in Jake's... jake and ty get their ear wires tangled up together. In the neighborhood: a group of guys are buying junk food at the 7-11. Ty will only buy a slurpee that goes with his shirt. "I can't have an orange slurpee, that'll clash with my red hoodie!" One of the guys hands a green slurpee. L: "I can't drink that." guy: "Why not? That's the same kind you drank yesterday." Jake and Barley get into a discussion about the slurpee. Barley: "blueberries are an excellent source of antioxidants". Jake: "good, gimme a blueberry slurpee". L: "Yeah, but my hair was green yesterday. Today my hair is blue. " L: (to the clerk) a blueberry slurpee please... I need my antioxidants." GIRL: Is this the color you want? JAKE: More blue, like the color of my Slurpee. "It's quantity, not quality". They are laughing AT him, not with him. Jake's hair has to match the color of his slurpee, or vice versa. Jake is so vain, he's only drink something if it didn't clash with his outfit JAKE: Hey, that label is yellow. That won't look good with my shirt! EXT. SCHOOL - DAY jake is so busy ogling the girls, he accidentally pokes his eye with his slurpee straw Cherie is locking up her bike. Jake grabs his cousin Barley's bike and locks it up right next to hers, but he's so distracted he locks the bike TO her bike. She doesn't notice. *********************************************************************************** INT. CLASSROOM - DAY He has toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his skateboaard. The girls are all looking and whispering, and he thinks they have the hots for him, doesn't know about toilet paper. JAKE: She's hot for me. Look at the way she's staring at me. CHERRY: (what a weirdo) Jake is distracted by the giggling group of girls gathered nearby. JAKE: (I'm going to have to think of something really intelligent to say to impress them.) TEACHER: Jake, what's the capital of the United States? JAKE: (distracted) uhm, Ohio? JAKE: I wonder what Cherie thinks of me... Meanwhile, over at the bike rack... CHERIE: (screaming) Who's /where's the idiot that locked their bike to mine?! One of the kids in the hall informs him: KID: Cherie's been looking for you, man! JAKE: Alas, the answer to my prayers. My dream come true. KID: (glancing nervously around) Actually, I'd say more like "nightmare" to be exact. CHERIE: (off-stage) Where's that idiot?! "Dude, Cherry's mad" JAKE: Oh yeah, she's mad about me. FRIEND: She's not mad about you... she's mad AT you! While Cherry is screaming, one of her friends finds the key Jake left in the lock GIRLFRIEND: Well, at least he's dumb enough to leave his key in the lock.4 00000000000000000000000000000000000000 He is indignant when someone yells "be careful" and he turns around to berate the person "Of course I'm careful" and then he slams into a pole. The kid goes home, gets his homework done, then skates. He wears the right equipment. He exercises, warms up and eats right, sleeps right, focuses on the moment. Jake is cocky, scoffing at the other kid because he wears a helmet and shoes - Jake skates barefoot. Jake looks back at his friends as he skates by, bare headed and bare footed. Jake skates barefoot after pulling all-nighters trying to get his homework done at the last minute, while thinking of other things (mainly girls). Everyone else just thinks he's plain crazy. He shows off without having anything to back it up with, Jake is riding his skateboard through the hallways, the gymnasium, the showers and the toilets... and then the GIRLS shower and toilet! all with toilet paper wrapped around the wheels of his skateboard. . Meanwhile, Lance Boyle is showing off for the girls: riding his skateboard on top of all the desks, in the showers, in the hallway with the lockers riding down the stairs. FRIEND: Be careful! A flagpole suddenly appears in Jake's path, but he's so busy showing off for the girls, he doesn't see it. Then his guardian angel saves him at the last minute. JAKE: (indignant) I'm ALWAYS careful! Lance starts to fall down the stairs, but his "guardian angel/spirit guide saves him. But Lance isn't sensitive to that, and thinks that iit's HIS great skill that saved him on that near-fatal plunge. Lance is so busy being distracted by the girls, that he almost runs into a flagpole. His guardian angel saves him in the nick of time (he was in the john (pisser) and Lance once again gives himself credit for getting saved on that one (he swerves suddenly) Jake is showing off without anything to back it up with. He does all these stupid daredevily things and the girls are covering their mouths and screaming, but he thinks they're screaming because they think he's hot. Guardian Angel: on saving Lance in a nick of time. "I can't have this kid be abjectly humiliated for the rest of his life... just for most/some of his life. oughta do it. His guardian angel warns him, his devil encourages him. Jake is making a fool of himself. The girls are standing in a giggling gaggle as he flys by on his skateboard. They cover their mouths and scream, just like an Ed Sullivan Beatles appearance. Lance thinks they're screaming in lust, but they're screaming in horror.... first as he almost crashes into a flagpole, a picnic bench and someone on a bicycle. toilet paper on the bottom of his shoe. Barley is watching these sickening scenes unfold and he prays to the gods of the Universe: "Oh alien gods please don't let him make any more of a fool of himself that he already has/is" That's when his guardian angel swoops in and saves him (and his face) at the last minute. Barley sees the angel. No one else, not even (especially) Jake. Barley can see the angels. The only thing that saves him is his guardian angel swooping down and saving his crazy ass at the last minute. With each near-miss, Lance gets cockier and cockier. Then he thinks he's this ultra hot-shot skater, when it's really his guardian angel. The angel will be various incarnations of Robin Williams... as Mrs. Doubtfire characters caution and try to help Jake, but he's so busy showing off for the girls that he listens to Pride instead, which is the Sam Kinison entity, screaming in his ear! But the angel saved him so many times, Jake became arrogant and believed it was HIS great skill (which it wasn't) that got him out of trouble. He didn't believe in angels. ++++++++++++++++++++ Jake's angel is saying "Be Aware" and later, when Jake doesn't head that plead, it becomes an urgent "Beware!" ++++++++++++++++++++ The school newspaper is interviewing Francisco and Jake - comparing their strategies JAKE: Francisco? That little twerp, the gardener's son? No way will he beat me. I have a waaaay better board. BARLEY: And he's a waaaay better skateboarder. I skate because i want to be rich and famous. Jake is indignant that a YOUNGER kid (two years younger) can do all kinds of hot tricks and he's looking for sponsorship. JAKE: Who's that kid? TY: that little dude will seriously kick your butt. He trains for skateboarding AND he's an honor student. FRRANCISCO: Every day after I finish my homework and eat my vegetables, I 'm out at the skatepark. JAKE: (gritting teeth) I hate this guy already! FRANCISCO Where's your helmet? Where's your shoes? JAKE: Shoes are for wussies and helmets mess your hair up. jake is indignant that this younger kids is such a hot shot, but Francisco puts in alot of work, gets his homework done, eats right, sleeps right. Jake has a conversation with the kid: "Yeah, someday you'll get lots of money and lots of chicks." "I skate because I love it." "ah, that's a lousy reason. you're too idealistic. ya gotta be realistic. the almighty dollar. that's the only reason i get out of bed in the morning, the allmighty dollar. That, and chicks. The kid wears a helmet, Jake makes fun of that. The kid wears skate shoes, Jake scoffs at that. He is the "purist" and goes &&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Jake accidentally BUTT-DIALS Cherry!! She overhears him talking to his friends about her... she's rolling her eyes. &&&&&&&&&&&&& JAKE: Cherie and her friends are going to the movies, let's hide in the seats behind them and surprise them. Just then the girls arrive with some football player types. TY: Oh, they'll be surprised, all right... Cherie and her friends are at the movie theatre. Barley, Jake and friends sit behind them crinkling a bag, and crinkling… the girls agitated, which gets other theatre goers agitated, and then a fight breaks out. They get thrown out of the movie theater, Jake thinks it’s great, the others are glowering “Didja get the video? Hurry up and upload it to my Twitter account! ============================================================== Then he gets in over his head when he announces he will ride not one but TWO skateboards (longboards) down Cemetery Hill Stairs, while drinking a slurpee ( grabs Cilantra's guitar ) and playing a guitar as he rides down the stairs. Francisco is enraged /outraged. FRANCISCO: This is irresponsible. I will not take part in this. event Jake wants to impress a group of girls ("tee hee hee hee") and brays that he will ride down Cemetery Hill on not one but TWO skateboards, grabs Cilantra's guitar, "with a guitar and a slurpee" 4444444444 55555555555 I'll be okay in a little while, I think, perhaps, maybe aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Timmy is aspiring film maker, always has video camera in everyone's face, talks about screen writing, life is a series of setup, conflict, drama, 3-acts, subplot Guys are hanging around skate park, watching one kid doing great tricks guy1: It would be cool to star on an episode of 'Scarred'. Guy1: He wants to skate professionally. Every day after he finishes his homewrok, he's out here guy2: what's your strategy" skater: I'm careful about what I eat, get enough sleep, I warm up, exercise before skating, focus on the moment, wear my helmet Jake: If HE can do it, I can do it. zak (to jake): Bro, where's your helmet? Jake: Helmets miss up my hair, they mess with my cool. I like the feeling of the wind in my hair (he suddenly falls) Zak (laughing): and the feeling of the concrete on your butt. Jake (to lil bro) dude, I want you to videotape me doing some tricks He sees the girl he has a huge crush on, Jake: (screaming) "turn that on! turn that on! someone has a guitar and he grabs it. Jake: (showing off) Not only will I skate down those stairs while drinking a slurpee... The girl stops (with her gaggle of girlfriends of course) and everyone has stopped, and are listening. Jake: (continued bragging and posturing) I will ride two skateboards at the same time down the stairs while drinking a slurpee and playing guitar! The cute girl and her friends are all giggling, she smiles at him everytime he makes another declaration. laughing AT him, not with him. Jake: (showing off) I will drink a ! bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb 66666666666 Fueled by 3 Red Bulls, skating barefoot on not one but two skate boards, while drinking a slurpee. He is very cocky and arrogant, then he gets to the top of the stairs and sweat beads form on his face and we see a POV of the stairs - a nightmare of scary stairs! Then he has this conversation with "himself", but it's really the "left side" versus the "right side", or mischief versus reason, etc Lance has this conversation with Angel: Lance "You're not an angel. Aren't Angels supposed to be pretty." Angel: "listen kid, with your track record, you're lucky to get ME/any ol' stiff." While he's having this conversation with "himself", the crowd below becomes restless, and someone yells out, accusing him of "chickening out". Jake is showing off for the girls, ignoring the "little voice" that tells him smart/dumb. Jake gets himself in dangerous situations, and his "guardian angel" saves him and Jake gives HIMSELF credit for evading disaster. He gets "full of himself" and blusters that he can ride down the Cemetery Hill stairs on not one but TWO skateboards, while playing a guitar (grabs Cilantra's guitar) and drinking a slurpee. Jake is staring like a drooling, gangly hillbilly at the giggling girls. the devil tells him everything to say " I will ride not one but TWO skateboards" "..." while playing guitar" jake is standing at the top of Cemetery Hill stairs, and good and bad appear on his shoulders (unbeknownst to Jake - but Barley can see them!) They are telling Jake what to do, if he should do this or not. GOOD: If I stop this nonsense now, I will save my life BAD: If I stop this now, no one will ever respect me again. GOOD: My parents won't have to buy me a burial plot. BAD: Everyone will think you are a spineless weasle. You're not an angel... aren't angels supposed to be pretty?! Listen kid, with your strack record you're lucky to be getting any ol' stiff. Good and Bad keep going back and forth and Jake gets flustered and just when he's coming into some sense and not going to do the stairs, he stumbles and DOES go down them, much to everyone's horror. Or maybe they think he's doing it on purpose. Jake is relaxed, thinking he's going to die, so he's just going to let go and relax... and then he suddenly realizes the danger he's in and he panics and then loses control and wipes out at the bottom of Cemetery Hill, in the cemetery. The irony is not lost on him, in his semiconcious state. All the while his buddies are getting it on their cell phones. 77777777777 Lance loses his footing, starts down the stairs, at first it's kinda fun. As he responds he loses footing and starts down the stairs, at first it's kinda fun, and everyone watching him is enjoying it. Jake had resigned himself to death, so he was relaxed and just soaring, maybe actually kinda enjoying it...(as much as one can when they suddenly realize they might actually die... and when he resigned himself, that's when he ... he saw the bright light and relaxed, but when he stiffened... questioned his belief if he really saw the white light or not, and that's when he realized what exactly he was doing, and he panicked... crashing because he stiffened. Jake going down the stairs, Francisco on the side mouthing "go WITH the fall, not against"that's when he'd get hurt. Go WITH it... not against it. . and then he suddenly realizes what he is really doing, which is somersaulting upside down the Cemetery Hill - and realizes that he might actually LIVE if he crashes, so/and he panics! Stairs.and then as soon as he realized that he might live... he panicked! and then when he suddenly realizes it... he panics, and then he crashes at the bottom of the stairs at the cemetery. And that's when he got hurt. At first he's enjoying it.... and then he realizes what he is really doing, which is somersaulting upside down the Cemetery Hill Stairs... and then when he suddenly realizes it... he panics, and then he crashes at the bottom of the stairs at the cemetery. Jake had resigned himself to death, so he was relaxed and just soaring, and then as soon as he realized that he might live... he panicked! And that's when he got hurt. At first he's enjoying it.... and then he realizes what he is really doing, which is somersaulting upside down the Cemetery Hill Stairs... and then when he suddenly realizes it... he panics, and then he crashes at the bottom of the stairs at the cemetery. JAKE: (I'm soaring.... I'm flying!) The audience is watching appreciatively. , but then he starts to stumble, but everyone thinks he's doing it on purpose, it's part of the act, they're cheering him on. Jake stumbles and starts to lose his composure. The audience thinks it's all part of the act and continues watching appreciatevely. JAKE: I'm going to die!!!! He takes a horrific tumble and ends up upside down, in the cemetery. JAKE: I was right. Full view of the cemetery, with Lance upside down. Jake lands at the bottom of the stairs on Cemetery Hill, right next to a bunch of gravestones. "The irony of this is not lost upon me." JAKE: somehow, the irony of this is not lost upon me" The slurpee lands next to him, unspilled. JAKE: There is a God Jake's friends all gather around him. FRIEND1: I think he's dead. JAKE: (Am I dead?) trying to find cell phone "I see the light" Jake: (groggily) "Am I drain bamaged?" His friends are standing over him, shining a flashlight into his eyes. JAKE: (I see a bright light. I must be in heaven) He sees Cherry standing over him, peering expectantly at him. Lance: (Cherry! I MUST be in heaven.) Pull back to reveal friends standing over him with a flashlight. Lance: "Hey! Are you guys dead too?" Barley: (looking at Lance's pupils with flashlight) I think he has brain damage. Zak Li: How can you tell. Lance: I'm aware enough to be insulted. Ow! Oooh! One of the other kids is calling 911. Other kids are taking pictures, video. The ambulance arrives, All the kids are watching him get loaded into the ambulance, and the attendants have a difficult time jostling his body. and Timmy is videotaping all this. The ambulance arrives, and Timmy is videotaping all this. kid1: I uploaded this video 25 seconds ago and I already have 72 likes! TIMMY: We need to keep exclusivve rights to the video. Kid1: Now I'm up to 197 likes! The video is now viral! BARLEY: The aliens warned me this would happen FRIEND1: You and your aliens! Why can't your aliens tell you what the winning lotto ticket numbers are. Or where the lost gold of Atlantis is?! FRIEND2: Yeah, if they were really aliens, they should be able to tell you really important stuff, like the next lotto numbers. BARLEY: The aliens won't give me that information, because it's not important. Only in your ego-drivven world is it important. The aliens care more about The Golden Rule. It's universal/universal truth. ssssssssssssss Jake gets to the top of the stairs, a POV shot of the stairs, Jake is standing there, everyone is watching, he gets to the top of the stairs (after all that bragging and posturing), we see a POV shot of the incredibly steep and scary stairs, and we see a closeup of Jake's face, starting to sweat a bit, a pained grimace that turns itself into a "brave" smile, the crowd cheers him on. Jake: (grimacing) Holy s@#$% (and then...) What did I get myself into. (and then...) I think I'm going/goin' to die. The kids in the group start chanting "Jake-y ... Jake-y" Medium shot of Jake Jake's little "consciousnesses" appear on either shoulder. The red devil (Lana delRey) one tells him to "go for it", everyone will think he's a hero" and the white angel(with the head and voice of Rodney Dangerfield) one tells him otherwise"you'll probably live your life in abject humiliation, but at least you'll be alive". Ha Jake's standing at the top of the stairs, everyone watching him silently, with this war going on in his head, everyone staring at him, watching and the war is waging/continues to wage, and just before Jake can do anything someone from the side bellows "Awww... he's turning chicken!" That makes Jake react and he GOES! We see him rolling at extremely high speed down the stairs Lil bro is videotaping, Jake does his skating, starts flipping out, guys think he's doing it on purpose Zak: man, I had no idea he was so good Other people in the crowd: "ooh" "wow" "amazing" "he is a great skateboarder!" Then he catches the eye of the girl, and he loses focus and he wipes out spectacularly Other people in the crowd: "ugh" "ewww" "awful" "he is a terrible skateboarder!" Meanwhile, Jake is panic stricken, Lil bro is still videotaping Jake wipes out spectacularly - the whole thing is videotaped, blood, gore, screams, entrails and all lil bro (as the ambulance arrives ) oh, the conclusion... Jake's screaming "turn that off! turn that off! The ambulance is arriving. Jake is moaning in pain. the guys are excited about seeing the ambulance arrive ssssssssssssssssssssssssssss 888888888888 The ambulance arrives. Lance is hurriedly placed in the ambulance by the two attendants. the ambulance takes him to the hospital where his crying and hysterical parents are there to greet him in the er. They shut the doors, and are riding to the hospital in the ambulance They arrive at the hospital. where his crying and hysterical parents greet him. His friends are there in the ER too. The doctors have to cut his pants off, revealing his Mutant Ninja Turtles underwear. jake is exposed in his mutant ninja turtle underwear. his friends look on with awkward silence. FRIEND: Dude. I like outgrew those in 3rd grade, man. FRIEND2: Yeah, I haven't seen those since, the 2000s FRIEND: yeah, I'm totally into Batman now... FRIEND2: The Hulk! FRIEND: Yeah, Mutant ninja Turtles are lame, man! They get to the hospital, one of the guys is flirting with the nurse "We should come to the hospital more often" Barley: he can't be THAT injured. The doctors cut off his pants, and he's wearing Mutant Ninja Turtle underwear! All of this is on videotape One of the guys gets the accident on video, and by the time Jake is cozily ensconced in his hospital room, the video has gone viral! Jake has become a sensation. He receives flowers, gifts, endorsements, all kinds of attention in the hospital room. Bodie wants to put him on Scarred.The video goes viral. Lance eomes a media darling.... reciveing presents, attention, visitors. He's having fun in the hospital. The best think, however.... NO SCHOOL! NO HOMEWORK! When Jake's video goes viral, he becomes a sensation, the local cause de celebre! Everyone is visiting him in the hospital, he has lots of presents, attention. "Scarred" wants to run the video. the guys are discussing negotiations and film rights Jake is lying in his hospital room, basking in all his glory JAKE: It's just like a spa, only with bedpans! LOCATION: PRIVATE HOSPITAL ROOM JAKE: (on phone) It's a private room, with satellite and games and wifi. The best part of all is... missing school! His grandma is at the door with a loaf of her special cake. GRANDMA: Yoo hoo! JAKE: Let the party begin... grandma and her famous lemon poppyseed cake are here. He hangs up the phone. He's in his room, basking in the "luxury".... private room, 580-channel satellite, gameboy, all the green jello you can eat.... and .... NEEDLES?! Needles?! and blood?! " His grandma barges in with a cake "And cake!"Well, the pros outweigh the cons." Jake is in hospital, hooked up with wires. His friends are visiting, trying to make him feel good Barley: Dude, you rock those wires. Zak: yeah, you make life support look cool Jake: I'm not on life support.... I merely have a few broken bones People show up with presents, flowers, food and balloons, bubbles. Someone brings a stolen pot of flowers (from some lady's porch) and it ends up infecting the hospital with bugs and they have to fumigate. FRIEND: I bought... er brought you this ... JAKE: Ah, a plant, a tomato plant, so if I get the urge to have a tomato. How 'bout a Slurpee machine! I want a Slurpee machine! he raises such a ruckus, they wheel up the slurpee machine from the cafeteria. There are moths invading the hospital! they must have come from the tomato plant . The gay guys bring their "baby" alligator in a baby carriage, hiding in flowers. The friends and family are gone. Jake is enjoying the peace and quiet (and no history tests) The doctors are talking about discharging him. This concerns Jake, because he is enjoying himself in the hospital, and getting all the presents and attention. And once he's discharged, he'll have to be (gasp!) ... homeschooled!!!Jake's parents visit him in the hospital, and bring with them a private tutor for HOME SCHOOLING (the librarian lady). PARENTS TROY & JANE: We have someone we'd like you to meet... you new TUTOR Miss Peterson, who will be teaching you from 8a;m to 4:30 pm every day at home when you get out of the hospital. MISS PETERSON: Actually, class will only be 4 days a week, but the 5th day, Friday, that entire day is spent doing homework (and preparing for your Monday morning tests) Jake is visibly upset. JAKE: Home schooling.... with HER?!?! DOCTORS: Your son is doing very well and should be able to go home in the next day or so. Jake freaks, and starts to make up different ailments so that the doctors will keep him in longer. He feigns illness with doctors to prolong his stay. JAKE: (groaning) Uh, I don't think so, docs. I have this weird pain here... Jake is enjoying himself in the hospital so much, he exaggerates his symptoms so the doctors will let him stay longer. The doctors then think there is something seriously wrong with jake, (they look it up on wikimeds.com) and they are performing a battery of tests while jake enjoys 582 channels satellite, food, presents etc Jake finds out his "private room" is really a SEMI-private room. And his new roommate is an 80 year old fart (who does just that) and wheezes and coughs and chokes and gasps and moans. With all his outlandish descriptions, they come up with 3 different conclusions and then consult wiki-med. DOCTOR1: Let's order a pych evaluation. DOCTOR2: Definitely! They decide to operate! Jake starts feigning all these symptoms of illness, and then the doctors, after consulting wiki-med, decide to operate. Jake doesn't want to leave the hospital, so he starts faking symptoms, the doctors circle around, trying to figure out what's wrong with him. They go to "wikimed.com" Then they want to start injecting him with stuff, and tell him they'll have to shave his hair for the brain surgery. PARENTS TROY & JANE: On what? What are you going to operate on? DOCS: We're not sure, but we'll know it when we find it. Basically, anything that looks like it's not supposed to be there. Like a foot in a stomach, or an ear on a butt, that kinda/sortof/sorta thing. DOCS: You're getting a roommate.. They roll in a gurney with an 86 year-old crabby bastard who is obnoxious as hell! And dramatic! He gets a roommate, an old fart who does literally that. and wheezes and coughs and chokes and gasps and moans and... you get the idea. It's awful Jake wants to stay in the hospital so he won't have to do homeschooling at home. He puts on quite a show, and the hospital is convinced there is something seriously wrong with him and they need to operate right away! the doctors examine Jake and then adjourn to make their own diagnostics.... by looking it up on wiki-meds. the doctors decide jake has to be operated on, right away! And then they realize... oops! it's the guy in the next ROOM who has to be operated on right away STAT. oops, wrong room. then they send someone to jake's room, to cut his hair! nurse: i'm here to cut your hair. jake: my hair?!?! she pulls out an electric razor and she comes at him to shave his head, and he freaks out!!! and the shock causes him to pass out, and not regain consciousness. he's in a coma! but he can hear everyone, but they don't think he can hear them. relatives swarming all over the bedside. while jake is in the coma, he has all these nightmares... that subside into pleasant dreams... and before he can finish his cocoon/chrysallus=like transformation, he is awoken by the smell of the chili dog... and he leaps up, a wormy caterpillar with butterfly wings. Land and The old fart in the bed next to him aren't getting along. He's getting pissed at Lance's friends. Later on the old fart gets a pair of bunny slippers from Grandma (who took them from her own grand kid), and he's wearing them and Lance loves them. Finally lance and the old guy become chummy. Grandma has the hotts for the old fart, she's visiting Lance, (brings him a cake) and ends up feeding it to the old fart. While Jake is in the hospital, Grandma brings in goodies meant for him, but Oliver Francis eats them. Then she just brings all the goodies to him and completely ignores Jake. Oliver Francis has never experienced love. He doesn't want to love anyone or anything, because he is afraid it will leave him. But he falls in love with Grandma's cakes... and that opens his heart to human love, and he falls in love with Grandma! Old Fart "So... uh, is your grandma coming in today?" did she bake any cake? Grandma gives Oliver Francis (aka Old Fart) a pair of purple bunny slippers! Grandma visits OF (Old Fart Oliver Francis) come to find out they knew each other in highschool 55 years ago. Grandma visits him with a cake bringing it to his hospital bed (she sneaks the cake in because it's against dietary rules) and OF accidentally spills his bedpan all over it (the cake). Old Fart is so smitten with grandma, he even goes to the effort of putting in his dentures. Oscar Frankowitz is his roommate... a hypochondriac who likes the attention of all the nurses... (he's in the hospital all the time) he MUST have his green jello.... one night they bring orange jello, and he raises a fit... he wants green jello! he develops the hots for Grandma over her home baked cakes. Jake is nervous... but when the doctors announce that they will have to cut his hair.... he goes into some kind of shock and his brain swells and the intense emotional trauma of having his hair cut sends his body into shock, shutting down, going into comatose state. The 4 doctors come in a group, asking him all kinds of questions. Then they leave, and consult "wiki-med" on their computers. They come up with 4 different diagnoses. The doctors want to give Jake all kinds of injections. Jake: (concerned) What size needles do you have? Nurse: small, medium and large. Jake: so that's a large one, right? Nurse: (laughing uproariously) No baby, no... this here needle is SMALL! You'll get one of the bigger ones later, whoo whee! (more laughter) Of course, you'll be so doped up on morphine to care (chuckle) Jake: somehow, that doesn't reassure me. JAKE: Will it hurt a little... or a lot? NURSE: (laughing) A "lottle" ha! ha! Get it, somewhere between a little... and a LOT!" A "lottle" bit (more laughter) JAKE: Now Jake tries convincing his doctors that he's not THAT sick, he wants to get out, but now they are insisting on keeping him because they think he might be dying or something. "Is this really necessary?" "By all the symptoms you described to us... yes." "Emphatic yes" "Yes, emphatically yes" they order exploratory surgery. And they will have to shave his head! Dr. 1: We have to do exploratory brain surgery" Lance is trying to remain calm. "Cool" (with unsureness) Dr. 2: "We will use a laser beam and cut into your skull" Lance: Cool (lots of trepidation) Dr. 3: "You will be on heavy drugs" Lance: (less worried) Cool The doctors come in and inform Jake that they will have to shave his head. Dr. 4: "We will have to shave your hair off" Jake freaks out, screaming, the emotional trauma causes his body to shut down The scream carries all over the hospital. GUy1: That sounds like a bull moose mating ritual GUY2: that sounds like banshe monkey mating sounds Jake is in a coma Lance's favorite hot nurse gets replaced by another nurse - a big brute guy/fat lady, etc Jake's screams continue! His body shuts down and his brain swells from the stress. he is in a coma/he's comatose feigned nonchalance Jake has an hallucination where he's in bed and the urinal is hovering above him, threatening to spill over his head - needles poining at him - blood bubbling . Talking respirator. he knows he was lying to the doctors, and that was one of his last acts on earth. JAKE: (looking up to heaven) Couldn't you take me while I was helping a little old lady across the street? Why did it haave to be lying to the doctors? DOCTOR: He might be the same person, and he might not. TROY: That could be good or bad... depending, huh? Then his hospital is overrun with family members who haven't spoken to each other in years (Troy and Tommy), and they are arguing and saying things over his body like "aw, he can't hear". They also talk about him in the past tense. "He was such a sweet boy" Barley visits Jake and brings a "healing concoction" of dried worm's poop and squirrel urine. "If the worm poop doesn't get ya, the squirrel urine will" Jake is completely aware, but he can't open his eyes or move. Each person who comes to visit, he describes for the reader. Lance is frozen in a position with his eyes closed and his tongue hanging out. The hospital staff has to spray his tongue to keep it from drying out. "His tongue! It moved! " Dr.: Lance, if you can hear me, wiggle your tongue 2 times. If you can't hear me, wiggle your tongue 3 times. His friends try to wake him from his coma by bringing ibn a ghetto blaster with his favorite band "hella Oxidized" they end up driving everyone else out of the wing and the police arrive, but Jake is still in a coma. Jakes friends want to snap him out of his coma, bring ghetto blaster with his favorite band "urgent urge" blast it in his room, nurses go out running, security comes in and drags guys out. glass is breaking, nurses running around covering their heads, security, other comatose patients waking up, but not Jake. Someone brings Jake's two dog and cat to the hospital, rat too, and they end up running all around. Boopsie the alligator is there too His friends talk about their psychiatry class, decide to bring him out of his coma by playing his favorite music. They sneak into his hospital room and blast "skull milk" at 100db and get thrown out of the hospital. Lots of people come to visit/pay their respects ... Jake is having an out-of-body experience where he is describing each person who comes to visit. His body is down below on the bed. They talk about him in the past tense. they bring food, and use his body as a table. The relatives come to visit, weeping and wailing and fighting with each other over his body that's in the middle. Tommy and Troy haven't talked in 10 years, and they end up fighting and then making up in Lance's hospital room. Various relatives come to pay their "respects" and talk, not knowing Lance can hear them all. family members are sitting on opposite sides of bed, arguing about the past, while Jake is in the middle, hearing everything but can't do anything about it. THREE NIGHTMAREs: the bedpan hovering over his head, the amputated body, and ??? timmy is busy monitoring his you.tube acount, how many hits and visits and thumbs down.. timmy writes a blog about being at jakes bedside. They are talking about Jake in "past tense" .... WAS. Even though Jake can't talk, he can hear, but his relatives don't know that. they start arguing over his body. he's thinking "oh, I hate Aunt Zelda's perfume and Uncle Orson ate too much garlic". JAKE: I am worried, because one of the last things I did in life was lie to the doctors. It is because of that lie that I am here now. THE DEAD: (to Jake's soul hovering above bed) You are "unripe fruit" and it's not your time yet. JAKE: God if you let me live, I'll never lie or complain aabout school again. Tommy and uncle Troy yelling at each other JAKE: (I want to die) ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Grandma and Aunt Jane develop a serious rivalry over making desserts... they all meet every day, and everyone in the family is getting fatter and fatter over the month with the two dueling chefs trying to outdo each other. One makes choco chip cookies.. the other chef reacts dismissively "cho chip cookie... how plebian" the other chef.... "Whaaat?! She said THAT! I'll show her who's plebian!" then she makes a souffle... then the other chef reacts with something else.... all these goodies are all around Jakes bedside, relatives come in to eat... everyone is getting fat! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Lance listening to relatives talk about him (and his things) Family members sitting around, looking at him. Aunt Trina: I can't believe he still wears Ninja Turtles underwear. Cousin1: who gets his skateboard when he dies? "Meat!" Meat: "Well, I mean, we're ALL gonna die..." (they roll their eyes) Aunt: shush, Jerry, don't talk like that! Cousin2: I do! Lance is thinking: "You aren't getting my skateboard, you little puke!" While jake is in his coma he comes to the realization that he was trying to fake people, by being someone something that he really wasn't. He tried being a "skateboarder" without the necessary work/responsibility involved. While in his coma, jake remembers someone saying "If you don't define yourself, someone else will. So choose, if you don't want to be defined by others, define yourself first. Jake realizes that he was always trying to be something he wasn't, like a pro skate board rider. "I won't try to be anyone else. I will be ME... and I am HUNGRY!!! Family members sitting around, looking at him. Cousin1: who gets his skateboard if he dies? Aunt: shush, Jerry, don't talk like that! Cousin2: I do! Cousin Meat is sitting there, dripping chili dog on his Jake's blankets. Jake's nose hairs are wriggling, and he flashes out of his coma, screaming "Gimme that!!!" FRIEND: Who gets his skateboard? Jake's nose hairs wiggle when he smells something - it's cousin Meat's chili dog from "Morty's" dog house. His nose hairs are wriggling as the chilidog is dripping on his bed. Lance's nose starts to wiggle at the smell of a chili dog being eaten (and dripped) over him. He suddenly wakes up out of his coma... JAKE: HEY GIMMEE THAT!!!! jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj JAKE: And then there's this... BARLEY: They're there... Barley bends down to comfort the snail. BARLEY: There, there. jake gets to a stop sign with his board. the car driver is being overly nice, motions him to go ahead. jake motions him to go ahead. then they both go, and they collide into one another. then it's "you asshole" "you ruined my board" don't be messin' with the method! jake in hospital - red oozes out of his mouth, it's red jello. people visiting jake in hospital "cherry can't come" "she's too distraught?" "no, she had a nail appointment" skateboarding + girl-watching = hospital "Darn these allergies" "I just learned something important when trying to impress chicks" "what's that" "never blow your nose while wearing sunglasses" Jake gets frustrated, trying to untangle his "ear buds". Ty bends over to help him, and then HIS earbuds get tangled up in Jake's... The guys, all hanging out together but none of them talking to each other. They are either on the phone, texting, reading, ogling girls, but not talking to each other. jake and ty get their ear wires tangled up together. it's hard to be humble when you're great! jake accidentally "butt-dials" cherry! jake is so busy ogling the girls, he accidentally pokes his eye with his slurpee straw believe it or not, but i do not eat chocolate. it's not a diet thing. i just can't eat anything that's brown... or yellow for that matter. Let me chill out and I'll see you when I'm thawed! jake accidentally "butt-dials" cherry! "hella oxidized!" Flirting with Cherie: That makes us step cousins in law. Cherie(pushing him away) Yeah, cousins in law… not common law JAKE: ah, she's just playin' hard to get. Those kinda girls, they're the kind you have to "rope in and drag in". the automatic bathrooms: the high school bathrooms were upgraded to automated... there was a school board decision to build a new gymnasium or have to upgrade the bathrooms because some dunces couldn't even flush the toilets, or have the courtesy to not throw trash in the toilet. As a joke/protest they flushed their schoolbooks down the toilet. It clogged the sewer system, and instead of getting to upgrade their gym, the school has to spend the money on the toilets instead. automatic toilet flushers (they don't work most of the time, at least, not until someone else comes along... the toilet doeesn't flush, and when it finally does..... someone else is trying to use the toilet. they there's someone ELSE's piss splashing everywhere. aaack! not only is it YOURS.... it's mixed with someone else's! automatic soap dispensers, automatic faucets, automatic paper towels, hand dryers.... how about automatic butt wipers? because jake is in a coma, he has lots of scenarios and nightmares going through his mind... until he realizes he has something to live for.... "tio's chili dog" chili... his nose starts wiggling, and he suddenly leaps out of his comatose hospital bed! Jake thinks the hot young nurse is going to give him a shot... he's actually looking forward to it.... and then this big, burly marine sergeant cum thug storms in... with a 3-foot hypodermic needle in his hand. (this is all a dream/nightmare) and then he wakes up. the pretty nurse is screaming! Then Jake wakes up! That didn't happen after all. the doctors come in and tell them they're going to have to amputate.... his entire body! doctors: we have to amputate/we have to perform an amputation Jake: of my foot? doctors: no, of your body. jake: whaaaatt?! doctors: I mean, your mind is fine... you don't have any brain damage, so far as we can see. /it might be too soon to tell. jake: whaaaatt?! doctors: (continuing) ... it's your BODY that has to be amputated. It's all messed up. You didn't take care of yourself and protect yourself. so now we have to cut it off. jake: my ENTIRE body?!? jake: my entire BODY?!? doctors: well, we can put your head in a box, y'know, so it doesn't roll around. doctor1: and we'll put your lungs in another box over here, and your pancreas... doctor2: you can live a perfectly long life, with just a head. as long as you have some external organs, lungs, heart and so forth... jake is in the operating room... the doctors have a chain saw suspended from the ceiling there is a group of interns there, watching. doctor1: we will now cut into his head! everyone flinches .... crowd shot of everyone flinching, then a cu of the chainsaw. then blood dripping. screams fill the air!!!!!!!! later on he has this recollection: ... it's your BODY that has to be amputated. It's all messed up. You didn't take care of yourself and protect yourself. so now we have to cut it off. just before he goes through this internal revelation to himself, like a coccoon changing into a butterfly, he gets woken out of his coma prematrely when he smells Meat's chili dog. jake is a chrysalus in formation, not yet a butterfly, when he gets shaken out of his protective casing, and emerges into the sun.... (not a beautiful butterfly) a wobbly, wormy looking catepillar with wings... he wasn't quite yet formed, but he's out now... so he'd better run for it. the relativees come in, talk about him in the past tense. Tommy says something to Troy (that troy finds obnoxious) "I remember when Jake was like 3 years old, and he took off his full diaper and wiped it all over the walls at your house.... during Thanksgiving dinner! (jane and troy staring blankly) (suddenly Mama is staring too) "ooohh hooo, that was sooo funny!!! Troy: now i remember why i didn't talk to him for ten years. analogies to the changing chrysalus/coccoon .... has to emerge too soon... a caterpillar with wings. jake starts having nice and peaceful dreams... good things happen. when jake starts calming down.... he's able to get closer to having everyone hear him. he can hear them, they don't think/know he can even hear them. so he's not as spiritually evolved as barley is... he's only spiritualy evolved when it suits him. jake is having frightening nightmares... and when he works through them, he starts to calm himself down . suddenly he's attracting good, positive things. instead of the former nurse (the marine guy), because of his newfound peaceful attitude, the pretty nurse comes to administer his shot instead. he gets nice flowers as gifts, not bug-infested tomato plants from someone's porch. THREE NIGHTMAREs: the bedpan hovering over his head, the amputated body, and ??? he has the frightning nightmares, then he's comforted by the thought of a butterfly, and a cocoon growing ... he calms down. then he starts to have calm, recollective thoughts about his life, and good things start happening, the pretty nurse, etc. Oscar Frankowitz is his roommate... a hypochondriac who likes the attention of all the nurses... (he's in the hospital all the time) he MUST have his green jello.... one night they bring orange jello, and he raises a fit... he wants green jello! %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% EXT. STORE - DAY In the neighborhood: a group of guys are buying junk food at the 7-11. The guys, all hanging out together but none of them talking to each other. They are either on the phone, texting, reading, ogling girls, but not talking to each other. guy #1: "Darn these allergies" guy #1: I just learned something important when trying to impress chicks. guy #2: What's that? guy #1: Never blow your nose while wearing sunglasses. INT. STORE - DAY Jake gets frustrated, trying to untangle his "ear buds". Ty bends over to help him, and then HIS earbuds get tangled up in Jake's... Jake and Ty get their ear wires tangled up together. Jake will only buy a "Sloppee" that goes with his shirt. " Jake: I can't have an orange "Sloppee", that'll clash with my red hoodie!" Their advertising slogan : "slurp a Sloppee!" One of the guys hands a green "Sloppee". L: "I can't drink that." guy: "Why not? That's the same kind you drank yesterday." Jake and Barley get into a discussion about the "Sloppee". Barley: Blueberries are an excellent source of antioxidants. Jake: "good, gimme a blueberry slurpee". L: "Yeah, but my hair was green yesterday. Today my hair is blue. " L: (to the clerk) a blueberry slurpee please... I need my antioxidants." GIRL: Is this the color you want? JAKE: More blue, like the color of my "Sloppee". "It's quantity, not quality". They are laughing AT him, not with him. Jake's hair has to match the color of his slurpee, or vice versa. Jake is so vain, he's only drink something if it didn't clash with his outfit JAKE: Hey, that label is yellow. That won't look good with my shirt! EXT. SCHOOL - DAY jake is so busy ogling the girls, he accidentally pokes his eye with his "Sloppee" straw Cherie is locking up her bike. Jake grabs his cousin Barley's/Sara's bike and locks it up right next to hers, but he's so distracted he locks the bike TO her bike. She doesn't notice. *********************************************************************************** INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY INT. CLASSROOM - DAY: He has toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his skateboaard. The girls are all looking and whispering, and he thinks they have the hots for him, doesn't know about toilet paper. JAKE: She's hot for me. Look at the way she's staring at me. CHERRY: (what a weirdo) Jake is distracted by the giggling group of girls gathered nearby. JAKE: (I'm going to have to think of something really intelligent to say to impress them.) TEACHER: Jake, what's the capital of the United States? JAKE: (distracted) uhm, Ohio? JAKE: I wonder what Cherie thinks of me... SAME - EXT SCHOOL BIKE RACK: Meanwhile, over at the bike rack... CHERIE: (screaming) Who's /where's the idiot that locked their bike to mine?! SAME -INT SCHOOL HALLWAY: One of the kids in the hall informs him: KID: Cherie's been looking for you, man! JAKE: Alas, the answer to my prayers. My dream come true. KID: (glancing nervously around) Actually, I'd say more like "nightmare" to be exact. CHERIE: (off-stage) Where's that idiot?! KID: Dude, Cherry's mad! JAKE: (smugly) About me/moi... FRIEND: She's not mad about you... she's mad AT you! CHERIE: (off-screen) Where is that #%&@!! While Cherry is screaming, one of her friends finds the key Jake left in the lock GIRLFRIEND: Well, at least he's dumb enough to leave his key in the lock.4 00000000000000000000000000000000000000 EXT SCHOOL YARD: Jake is recklessly showing off on his bike. SOMEONE: Be careful! JAKE: (indignantly) Of COURSE I'm careful! Jake's angel swoops in (once again) to save Jake from himself. His angel saves him from slamming into the flag pole. Everyone thinks Jake did some "hotshot" move, they are impressed, and Jake starts to believe his own publicity. Jake is indignant when someone yells "be careful" and he turns around to berate the person "Of course I'm careful" and then he slams into a pole. Jake is so busy being distracted by the girls, that he almost runs into a flagpole. His guardian angel saves him in the nick of time (he was in the john (pisser) and Lance once again gives himself credit for getting saved on that one (he swerves suddenly) They are talking about Francisco and the school newspaper article. "The kid goes home, gets his homework done, then skates. He wears the right equipment. He exercises, warms up and eats right, sleeps right, focuses on the moment." Jake: Aw! He wears a helmet... and shoes! If he's a true purist... he'll do it barefoot! TY: He gets at least 8 hours of sleep a night... JAKE: What a wuss!! Jake is cocky, scoffing at the other kid because he wears a helmet and shoes - Jake skates barefoot. Jake looks back at his friends as he skates by, bare headed and bare footed. Jake skates barefoot after pulling all-nighters trying to get his homework done at the last minute, while thinking of other things (mainly girls). Everyone else just thinks he's plain crazy. He shows off without having anything to back it up with, Jake is riding his skateboard through the hallways, the stairway, the gymnasium, the showers and the toilets... and then the GIRLS shower and toilet! all with toilet paper wrapped around the wheels of his skateboard. .. into the classrooms (riding on top of the desks) Meanwhile, Jake is showing off for the girls: riding his skateboard on top of all the desks, in the showers, in the hallway with the lockers riding down the stairs. FRIEND: Be careful! A flagpole suddenly appears in Jake's path, but he's so busy showing off for the girls, he doesn't see it. Then his guardian angel saves him at the last minute. JAKE: (indignant) I'm ALWAYS careful! Jake starts to fall down the stairs, but his "guardian angel/spirit guide saves him. But Jake isn't sensitive to that, and thinks that iit's HIS great skill that saved him on that near-fatal plunge. Jake is showing off without anything to back it up with. He does all these stupid daredevily things and the girls are covering their mouths and screaming, but he thinks they're screaming because they think he's hot. Guardian Angel: on saving Lance in a nick of time. "I can't have this kid be abjectly humiliated for the rest of his life... just for most/some of his life. oughta do it. His guardian angel warns him Angel: Be aware! Be aware! DEVIL: Don't you want all the girls to go crazy over you? Jake is making a fool of himself. The girls are standing in a giggling gaggle as he flys by on his skateboard. They cover their mouths and scream, just like an Ed Sullivan Beatles appearance. Lance thinks they're screaming in lust, but they're screaming in horror.... first as he almost crashes into a flagpole, a picnic bench and someone on a bicycle. toilet paper on the bottom of his shoe. Barley is watching these sickening scenes unfold and he prays to the gods of the Universe: "Oh alien gods please don't let him make any more of a fool of himself that he already has/is" That's when his guardian angel swoops in and saves him (and his face) at the last minute. Barley sees the angel. No one else, not even (especially) Jake. Barley can see the angels. The only thing that saves him is his guardian angel swooping down and saving his crazy ass at the last minute. With each near-miss, Lance gets cockier and cockier. Then he thinks he's this ultra hot-shot skater, when it's really his guardian angel. The angel will be various incarnations of Robin Williams... as Mrs. Doubtfire characters caution and try to help Jake, but he's so busy showing off for the girls that he listens to the Devil instead, which is the Sam Kinison entity, screaming in his ear! But the angel saved him so many times, Jake became arrogant and believed it was HIS great skill (which it wasn't) that got him out of trouble. He didn't believe in angels. ++++++++++++++++++++ Jake's angel is saying "Be Aware" and later, when Jake doesn't head that plead, it becomes an urgent "Beware!" ++++++++++++++++++++ The school newspaper is interviewing Francisco and Jake - comparing their strategies JAKE: Francisco? That little twerp, the gardener's son? No way will he beat me. I have a waaaay better board. BARLEY: And he's a waaaay better skateboarder. I skate because i want to be rich and famous. Jake is indignant that a YOUNGER kid (two years younger) can do all kinds of hot tricks and he's looking for sponsorship. JAKE: Who's that kid? TY: that little dude will seriously kick your butt. He trains for skateboarding AND he's an honor student. FRRANCISCO: Every day after I finish my homework and eat my vegetables, I 'm out at the skatepark. JAKE: (gritting teeth) I hate this guy already! FRANCISCO Where's your helmet? Where's your shoes? JAKE: Shoes are for wussies and helmets mess your hair up. jake is indignant that this younger kids is such a hot shot, but Francisco puts in alot of work, gets his homework done, eats right, sleeps right. Jake has a conversation with the kid: "Yeah, someday you'll get lots of money and lots of chicks." "I skate because I love it." "ah, that's a lousy reason. you're too idealistic. ya gotta be realistic. the almighty dollar. that's the only reason i get out of bed in the morning, the allmighty dollar. That, and chicks. The kid wears a helmet, Jake makes fun of that. The kid wears skate shoes, Jake scoffs at that. He is the "purist" and goes &&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Jake accidentally BUTT-DIALS Cherry!! She overhears him talking to his friends about her... she's rolling her eyes. &&&&&&&&&&&&& JAKE: Cherie and her friends are going to the movies, let's hide in the seats behind them and surprise them. Just then the girls arrive with some football player types. TY: Oh, they'll be surprised, all right... Cherie and her friends are at the movie theatre. Barley, Jake and friends sit behind them crinkling a bag, and crinkling… the girls agitated, which gets other theatre goers agitated, and then a fight breaks out. They get thrown out of the movie theater, Jake thinks it’s great, the others are glowering “Didja get the video? Hurry up and upload it to my Twitter account! ============================================================== Timmy is videotaping Then he gets in over his head when he announces he will ride not one but TWO skateboards (longboards) down Cemetery Hill Stairs, while drinking a slurpee ( grabs Cilantra's guitar ) and playing a guitar as he rides down the stairs. Francisco is enraged /outraged. FRANCISCO: This is irresponsible. I will not take part in this. event Jake wants to impress a group of girls ("tee hee hee hee") and brays that he will ride down Cemetery Hill on not one but TWO skateboards, grabs Cilantra's guitar, "with a guitar and a slurpee" 4444444444 55555555555 I'll be okay in a little while, I think, perhaps, maybe aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Timmy is aspiring film maker, always has video camera in everyone's face, talks about screen writing, life is a series of setup, conflict, drama, 3-acts, subplot Guys are hanging around skate park, watching one kid doing great tricks guy1: It would be cool to star on an episode of 'Scarred'. Guy1: He wants to skate professionally. Every day after he finishes his homewrok, he's out here guy2: what's your strategy" skater: I'm careful about what I eat, get enough sleep, I warm up, exercise before skating, focus on the moment, wear my helmet Jake: If HE can do it, I can do it. zak (to jake): Bro, where's your helmet? Jake: Helmets miss up my hair, they mess with my cool. I like the feeling of the wind in my hair (he suddenly falls) Zak (laughing): and the feeling of the concrete on your butt. Jake (to lil bro) dude, I want you to videotape me doing some tricks He sees the girl he has a huge crush on, Jake: (screaming) "turn that on! turn that on! someone has a guitar and he grabs it. Jake: (showing off) Not only will I skate down those stairs while drinking a slurpee... The girl stops (with her gaggle of girlfriends of course) and everyone has stopped, and are listening. Jake: (continued bragging and posturing) I will ride two skateboards at the same time down the stairs while drinking a slurpee and playing guitar! The cute girl and her friends are all giggling, she smiles at him everytime he makes another declaration. laughing AT him, not with him. Jake: (showing off) I will drink a ! bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb 66666666666 Fueled by 3 Red Bulls, skating barefoot on not one but two skate boards, while drinking a slurpee. He is very cocky and arrogant, then he gets to the top of the stairs and sweat beads form on his face and we see a POV of the stairs - a nightmare of scary stairs! Then he has this conversation with "himself", but it's really the "left side" versus the "right side", or mischief versus reason, etc Lance has this conversation with Angel: Lance "You're not an angel. Aren't Angels supposed to be pretty." Angel: "listen kid, with your track record, you're lucky to get ME/any ol' stiff." While he's having this conversation with "himself", the crowd below becomes restless, and someone yells out, accusing him of "chickening out". Jake is showing off for the girls, ignoring the "little voice" that tells him smart/dumb. Jake gets himself in dangerous situations, and his "guardian angel" saves him and Jake gives HIMSELF credit for evading disaster. He gets "full of himself" and blusters that he can ride down the Cemetery Hill stairs on not one but TWO skateboards, while playing a guitar (grabs Cilantra's guitar) and drinking a slurpee. Jake is staring like a drooling, gangly hillbilly at the giggling girls. the devil tells him everything to say " I will ride not one but TWO skateboards" "..." while playing guitar" jake is standing at the top of Cemetery Hill stairs, and good and bad appear on his shoulders (unbeknownst to Jake - but Barley can see them!) They are telling Jake what to do, if he should do this or not. GOOD: If I stop this nonsense now, I will save my life If you stop this nonsense now, you will save your life BAD: If I stop this now, no one will ever respect me again. If you stop this now, no one will ever respect you again. GOOD: My parents won't have to buy me a burial plot. Your parents won't have to buy you a burial plot. BAD: Everyone will think you are a spineless weasle. JAKE: You're not an angel... aren't angels supposed to be pretty?! ANGEL: Listen kid, with your strack record you're lucky to be getting any ol' stiff. Good and Bad keep going back and forth and Jake gets flustered and just when he's coming into some sense and not going to do the stairs, he stumbles and DOES go down them, much to everyone's horror. Or maybe they think he's doing it on purpose. Jake is relaxed, thinking he's going to die, so he's just going to let go and relax... and then he suddenly realizes the danger he's in and he panics and then loses control and wipes out at the bottom of Cemetery Hill, in the cemetery. The irony is not lost on him, in his semiconcious state. All the while his buddies are getting it on their cell phones. 77777777777 Lance loses his footing, starts down the stairs, at first it's kinda fun. As he responds he loses footing and starts down the stairs, at first it's kinda fun, and everyone watching him is enjoying it. Jake had resigned himself to death, so he was relaxed and just soaring, and then as soon as he realized that he might live... he panicked! And that's when he got hurt. JAKE: (I'm soaring.... I'm flying!) The audience is watching appreciatively. , but then he starts to stumble, but everyone thinks he's doing it on purpose, it's part of the act, they're cheering him on. Jake stumbles and starts to lose his composure. The audience thinks it's all part of the act and continues watching appreciatevely. JAKE: I'm going to die!!!! He takes a horrific tumble and ends up upside down, in the cemetery. JAKE: I was right. EXT - CEMETERY - NIGHT Lance lying on the ground upside down, blood gushing from various places, mostly his nose. Jake lands at the bottom of the stairs on Cemetery Hill, right next to a bunch of gravestones. JAKE: (thinking to himself) ("The irony of this is not lost upon me. somehow, the irony of this is not lost upon me") The "Sloppee" lands next to him, unspilled. JAKE: There is a God Jake's friends all gather around him. His friends are standing over him, shining a flashlight into his eyes. FRIEND1: I think he's dead. JAKE: (I see a bright light. I must be in heaven) JAKE: (Am I dead?) trying to find cell phone "I see the light" Barley: (looking at Lance's pupils with flashlight) I think he has brain damage. Zak Li: How can you tell. Lance: I'm aware enough to be insulted. Ow! Oooh! One of the other kids is calling 911. Other kids are taking pictures, video. Jake: (groggily) "Am I drain bamaged?" Jake: (indignantly) "I'm not drain bamaged!" The ambulance arrives, All the kids are watching him get loaded into the ambulance, and the attendants have a difficult time jostling his body. and Timmy is videotaping all this. The ambulance arrives, and Timmy is videotaping all this. kid1: I uploaded this video 25 seconds ago and I already have 72 likes! TIMMY: We need to keep exclusivve rights to the video. Kid1: Now I'm up to 197 likes! The video is now viral! BARLEY: The aliens warned me this would happen FRIEND1: You and your aliens! Why can't your aliens tell you what the winning lotto ticket numbers are. Or where the lost gold of Atlantis is?! FRIEND2: Yeah, if they were really aliens, they should be able to tell you really important stuff, like the next lotto numbers. BARLEY: The aliens won't give me that information, because it's not important. Only in your ego-drivven world is it important. The aliens care more about The Golden Rule. It's universal/universal truth. ssssssssssssss Jake gets to the top of the stairs, a POV shot of the stairs, Jake is standing there, everyone is watching, he gets to the top of the stairs (after all that bragging and posturing), we see a POV shot of the incredibly steep and scary stairs, and we see a closeup of Jake's face, starting to sweat a bit, a pained grimace that turns itself into a "brave" smile, the crowd cheers him on. Jake: (grimacing) Holy s@#$% (and then...) What did I get myself into. (and then...) I think I'm going/goin' to die. The kids in the group start chanting "Jake-y ... Jake-y" Medium shot of Jake Jake's little "consciousnesses" appear on either shoulder. The red devil (Lana delRey) one tells him to "go for it", everyone will think he's a hero" and the white angel(with the head and voice of Rodney Dangerfield) one tells him otherwise"you'll probably live your life in abject humiliation, but at least you'll be alive". Ha Jake's standing at the top of the stairs, everyone watching him silently, with this war going on in his head, everyone staring at him, watching and the war is waging/continues to wage, and just before Jake can do anything someone from the side bellows "Awww... he's turning chicken!" That makes Jake react and he GOES! We see him rolling at extremely high speed down the stairs Lil bro is videotaping, Jake does his skating, starts flipping out, guys think he's doing it on purpose Zak: man, I had no idea he was so good Other people in the crowd: "ooh" "wow" "amazing" "he is a great skateboarder!" Then he catches the eye of the girl, and he loses focus and he wipes out spectacularly Other people in the crowd: "ugh" "ewww" "awful" "he is a terrible skateboarder!" Meanwhile, Jake is panic stricken, Lil bro is still videotaping Jake wipes out spectacularly - the whole thing is videotaped, blood, gore, screams, entrails and all lil bro (as the ambulance arrives ) oh, the conclusion... Jake's screaming "turn that off! turn that off! The ambulance is arriving. Jake is moaning in pain. the guys are excited about seeing the ambulance arrive INT. AMBULANCE - NIGHT they shut the doors, and are riding to the hospital in the ambulance. NURSE: EMT: How many fingers I am holding up? JAKE: (groggy & cross-eyed) Six EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT ssssssssssssssssssssssssssss The ambulance arrives at the hospital. Jake is hurriedly placed in the ambulance by the two attendants. the ambulance takes him to the hospital where his crying and hysterical parents are there to greet him in the er. INT. HOSPITAL ER They shut the doors, and are riding to the hospital in the ambulance They arrive at the hospital. where his crying and hysterical parents greet him. His friends are there in the ER too. Timmy is there with his video camera, silently recording everything (for insurance purposes) NURSE: We have to cut his pants off. The doctors have to cut his pants off, revealing his Mutant Ninja Turtles underwear. jake is exposed in his mutant ninja turtle underwear. his friends look on with awkward silence. FRIEND: Dude. I like outgrew those in 3rd grade, man. FRIEND2: Yeah, I haven't seen those since, the 2000s FRIEND: yeah, I'm totally into Batman now... FRIEND2: The Hulk! FRIEND: Yeah, Mutant ninja Turtles are lame, man! One of the guys is flirting with the Cute Nurse GUY: We should come to the hospital more often. Barley: he can't be THAT injured. The doctors cut off his pants, and he's wearing Mutant Ninja Turtle underwear! All of this is on videotape INT: HOSPITAL ROOM Jake gets wheeled into an opulent room with 541 satellite channels. One of the guys gets the accident on video, and by the time Jake is cozily ensconced in his hospital room, the video has gone viral! Jake has become a sensation. Jake receives flowers, gifts, endorsements, all kinds of attention in the hospital room. Bodie wants to put him on Scarred.The video goes viral. Lance eomes a media darling.... reciveing presents, attention, visitors. He's having fun in the hospital. The best think, however.... NO SCHOOL! NO HOMEWORK! When Jake's video goes viral, he becomes a sensation, the local cause de celebre! Everyone is visiting him in the hospital, he has lots of presents, attention. "Scarred" wants to run the video. the guys are discussing negotiations and film rights Jake is lying in his hospital room, basking in all his glory JAKE: It's just like a spa, only with bedpans! LOCATION: PRIVATE HOSPITAL ROOM JAKE: (on phone) It's a private room, with satellite and games and wifi. The best part of all is... missing school! His grandma is at the door with a loaf of her special cake. GRANDMA: Yoo hoo! JAKE: Let the party begin... grandma and her famous lemon poppyseed cake are here. He hangs up the phone. He's in his room, basking in the "luxury".... private room, 580-channel satellite, gameboy, all the green jello you can eat.... and .... NEEDLES?! Needles?! and blood?! " His grandma barges in with a cake "And cake!"Well, the pros outweigh the cons." INT. HOSPITAL ROOM: Jake is in the hospital bed, hooked up with wires. His friends are visiting, trying to make him feel good BARLEY: Dude, you rock those wires. TY: yeah, you make life support look cool JAKE: (through a wired jaw) I'm not on life support.... I merely have a few broken bones People show up with presents, flowers, food and balloons, bubbles. One of Jake's friends bring him a bug infested tomato plant / pot of flowers that he took off of someone's porch. Someone brings a stolen pot of flowers (from some lady's porch) and it ends up infecting the hospital with bugs and they have to fumigate. There are moths invading the hospital! they must have come from the tomato/potted plant . The gay guys bring their "baby" alligator in a baby carriage, hiding in flowers. The friends and family are gone. Jake is enjoying the peace and quiet (and no history tests) The doctors are talking about discharging him. This concerns Jake, because he is enjoying himself in the hospital, and getting all the presents and attention. And once he's discharged, he'll have to be (gasp!) ... homeschooled!!!Jake's parents visit him in the hospital, and bring with them a private tutor for HOME SCHOOLING (the librarian lady). PARENTS TROY & JANE: We have someone we'd like you to meet... you new TUTOR Miss Peterson, who will be teaching you from 8a;m to 4:30 pm every day at home when you get out of the hospital. MISS PETERSON: Actually, class will only be 4 days a week, but the 5th day, Friday, that entire day is spent doing homework (and preparing for your Monday morning tests) Jake is visibly upset. JAKE: Home schooling?!?.... with HER?!?! DOCTORS: Your son is doing very well and should be able to go home in the next day or so. Jake freaks, and starts to make up different ailments so that the doctors will keep him in longer. He feigns illness with doctors to prolong his stay. JAKE: (groaning) Uh, I don't think so, docs. I have this weird pain here... Jake is enjoying himself in the hospital so much, he exaggerates his symptoms so the doctors will let him stay longer. The doctors then think there is something seriously wrong with jake, (they look it up on wikimeds.com) and they are performing a battery of tests while jake enjoys 582 channels satellite, food, presents etc Jake finds out his "private room" is really a SEMI-private room. And his new roommate is an 80 year old fart (who does just that) and wheezes and coughs and chokes and gasps and moans. With all his outlandish descriptions, they come up with 3 different conclusions and then consult wiki-med. DOCTOR1: Let's order a pych evaluation. DOCTOR2: Definitely! Jake starts feigning all these symptoms of illness, JAKE: Im having this pain here... and here... DOCTORS: Hmmm... JAKE: And I have a weird buzzing in my head.. DOCTORS: Hmmm... JAKE: And this dizziness, like I'm going to pass out.. DOCTORS: Hmmm... The doctor's go behind closed separate doors, and each one of them consults "wiki-med". Then the doors open and the doctors each stride out. DOCTOR 1: It's lymphatic rupture. DOCTOR 2: It's retinal autonomy DOCTOR 3: It's hemorhhoids. DOCTORS: (in unison) Let's operate! DOCTORS: We need/decide to operate! PARENTS TROY & JANE: On what? What are you going to operate on? DOC1: We're not sure, but we'll know it when we find it. DOC3: Basically, anything that looks like it's not supposed to be there. DOC2: Like a foot in a stomach, or an ear on a butt, that kinda/sortof/sorta thing. INT. JAKE'S HOSPITAL ROOM NURSE: You're getting a roommate.. They roll in a gurney with an 86 year-old crabby bastard who is obnoxious as hell! And dramatic! He gets a roommate, an old fart who does literally that. and wheezes and coughs and chokes and gasps and moans and... you get the idea. It's awful INT. JAKE'S HOSPITAL ROOM then they send someone to jake's room, to cut his hair! NURSE: i'm here to cut your hair. JAKE: My hair?!?! she pulls out an electric razor and she comes at him to shave his head, and he freaks out!!! The shock causes his body to shut down and he lands in a coma. and the shock causes him to pass out, and not regain consciousness. relatives swarming all over the bedside. he's in a coma! but he can hear everyone, but they don't think he can hear them. Land and The old fart in the bed next to him aren't getting along. He's getting pissed at Lance's friends. Later on the old fart gets a pair of bunny slippers from Grandma (who took them from her own grand kid), and he's wearing them and Lance loves them. Finally lance and the old guy become chummy. Grandma has the hotts for the old fart, she's visiting Lance, (brings him a cake) and ends up feeding it to the old fart. While Jake is in the hospital, Grandma brings in goodies meant for him, but Oliver Francis eats them. Then she just brings all the goodies to him and completely ignores Jake. Oliver Francis has never experienced love. He doesn't want to love anyone or anything, because he is afraid it will leave him. But he falls in love with Grandma's cakes... and that opens his heart to human love, and he falls in love with Grandma! Old Fart "So... uh, is your grandma coming in today?" did she bake any cake? Grandma gives Oliver Francis (aka Old Fart) a pair of purple bunny slippers! Grandma visits OF (Old Fart Oliver Francis) come to find out they knew each other in highschool 55 years ago. Grandma visits him with a cake bringing it to his hospital bed (she sneaks the cake in because it's against dietary rules) and OF accidentally spills his bedpan all over it (the cake). Old Fart is so smitten with grandma, he even goes to the effort of putting in his dentures. Jake is nervous... but when the doctors announce that they will have to cut his hair.... he goes into some kind of shock and his brain swells and the intense emotional trauma of having his hair cut sends his body into shock, shutting down, going into comatose state. The 4 doctors come in a group, asking him all kinds of questions. Then they leave, and consult "wiki-med" on their computers. They come up with 4 different diagnoses. The doctors want to give Jake all kinds of injections. Jake: (concerned) What size needles do you have? Nurse: small, medium and large. Jake: so that's a large one, right? Nurse: (laughing uproariously) No baby, no... this here needle is SMALL! You'll get one of the bigger ones later, whoo whee! (more laughter) Of course, you'll be so doped up on morphine to care (chuckle) Jake: somehow, that doesn't reassure me. JAKE: Will it hurt a little... or a lot? NURSE: (laughing) A "lottle" ha! ha! Get it, somewhere between a little... and a LOT!" A "lottle" bit (more laughter) JAKE: Now Jake tries convincing his doctors that he's not THAT sick, he wants to get out, but now they are insisting on keeping him because they think he might be dying or something. "Is this really necessary?" "By all the symptoms you described to us... yes." "Emphatic yes" "Yes, emphatically yes" they order exploratory surgery. And they will have to shave his head! Dr. 1: We have to do exploratory brain surgery" Lance is trying to remain calm. "Cool" (with unsureness) Dr. 2: "We will use a laser beam and cut into your skull" Lance: Cool (lots of trepidation) Dr. 3: "You will be on heavy drugs" Lance: (less worried) Cool The doctors come in and inform Jake that they will have to shave his head. Dr. 4: "We will have to shave your hair off" Jake freaks out, screaming, the emotional trauma causes his body to shut down The scream carries all over the hospital. GUy1: That sounds like a bull moose mating ritual GUY2: that sounds like banshe monkey mating sounds Jake is in a coma Lance's favorite hot nurse gets replaced by another nurse - a big brute guy/fat lady, etc Jake's screams continue! His body shuts down and his brain swells from the stress. he is in a coma/he's comatose feigned nonchalance Jake has an hallucination where he's in bed and the urinal is hovering above him, threatening to spill over his head - needles poining at him - blood bubbling . Talking respirator. he knows he was lying to the doctors, and that was one of his last acts on earth. JAKE: (looking up to heaven) Couldn't you take me while I was helping a little old lady across the street? Why did it haave to be lying to the doctors? DOCTOR: He might be the same person, and he might not. TROY: That could be good or bad... depending, huh? Then his hospital is overrun with family members who haven't spoken to each other in years (Troy and Tommy), and they are arguing and saying things over his body like "aw, he can't hear". They also talk about him in the past tense. "He was such a sweet boy" Barley visits Jake and brings a "healing concoction" of dried worm's poop and squirrel urine. "If the worm poop doesn't get ya, the squirrel urine will" Jake is completely aware, but he can't open his eyes or move. Each person who comes to visit, he describes for the reader. Lance is frozen in a position with his eyes closed and his tongue hanging out. The hospital staff has to spray his tongue to keep it from drying out. "His tongue! It moved! " Dr.: Lance, if you can hear me, wiggle your tongue 2 times. If you can't hear me, wiggle your tongue 3 times. His friends try to wake him from his coma by bringing ibn a ghetto blaster with his favorite band "hella Oxidized" they end up driving everyone else out of the wing and the police arrive, but Jake is still in a coma. Jakes friends want to snap him out of his coma, bring ghetto blaster with his favorite band "urgent urge" blast it in his room, nurses go out running, security comes in and drags guys out. glass is breaking, nurses running around covering their heads, security, other comatose patients waking up, but not Jake. Someone brings Jake's two dog and cat to the hospital, rat too, and they end up running all around. Boopsie the alligator is there too His friends talk about their psychiatry class, decide to bring him out of his coma by playing his favorite music. They sneak into his hospital room and blast "skull milk" at 100db and get thrown out of the hospital. Lots of people come to visit/pay their respects ... Jake is having an out-of-body experience where he is describing each person who comes to visit. His body is down below on the bed. They talk about him in the past tense. they bring food, and use his body as a table. The relatives come to visit, weeping and wailing and fighting with each other over his body that's in the middle. Tommy and Troy haven't talked in 10 years, and they end up fighting and then making up in Lance's hospital room. Various relatives come to pay their "respects" and talk, not knowing Lance can hear them all. family members are sitting on opposite sides of bed, arguing about the past, while Jake is in the middle, hearing everything but can't do anything about it. THREE NIGHTMAREs: the bedpan hovering over his head, the amputated body, and ??? timmy is busy monitoring his you.tube acount, how many hits and visits and thumbs down.. timmy writes a blog about being at jakes bedside. They are talking about Jake in "past tense" .... WAS. Even though Jake can't talk, he can hear, but his relatives don't know that. they start arguing over his body. he's thinking "oh, I hate Aunt Zelda's perfume and Uncle Orson ate too much garlic". JAKE: I am worried, because one of the last things I did in life was lie to the doctors. It is because of that lie that I am here now. THE DEAD: (to Jake's soul hovering above bed) You are "unripe fruit" and it's not your time yet. JAKE: God if you let me live, I'll never lie or complain aabout school again. Tommy and uncle Troy yelling at each other JAKE: (I want to die) Lance listening to relatives talk about him (and his things) Family members sitting around, looking at him. Aunt Trina: I can't believe he still wears Ninja Turtles underwear. Cousin1: who gets his skateboard if he dies? Aunt: shush, Jerry, don't talk like that! Cousin2: I do! Lance is thinking: "You aren't getting my skateboard, you little puke!" While jake is in his coma he comes to the realization that he was trying to fake people, by being someone something that he really wasn't. He tried being a "skateboarder" without the necessary work/responsibility involved. While in his coma, jake remembers someone saying "If you don't define yourself, someone else will. So choose, if you don't want to be defined by others, define yourself first. Jake realizes that he was always trying to be something he wasn't, like a pro skate board rider. "I won't try to be anyone else. I will be ME... and I am HUNGRY!!! Family members sitting around, looking at him. Cousin1: who gets his skateboard if he dies? Aunt: shush, Jerry, don't talk like that! Cousin2: I do! Cousin Meat is sitting there, dripping chili dog on his Jake's blankets. Jake's nose hairs are wriggling, and he flashes out of his coma, screaming "Gimme that!!!" FRIEND: Who gets his skateboard? Jake's nose hairs wiggle when he smells something - it's cousin Meat's chili dog from "Morty's" dog house. His nose hairs are wriggling as the chilidog is dripping on his bed. Lance's nose starts to wiggle at the smell of a chili dog being eaten (and dripped) over him. He suddenly wakes up out of his coma... JAKE: HEY GIMMEE THAT!!!! jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj JAKE: And then there's this... BARLEY: They're there... Barley bends down to comfort the snail. BARLEY: There, there. jake gets to a stop sign with his board. the car driver is being overly nice, motions him to go ahead. jake motions him to go ahead. then they both go, and they collide into one another. then it's "you asshole" "you ruined my board" don't be messin' with the method! jake in hospital - red oozes out of his mouth, it's red jello. people visiting jake in hospital "cherry can't come" "she's too distraught?" "no, she had a nail appointment" skateboarding + girl-watching = hospital "Darn these allergies" "I just learned something important when trying to impress chicks" "what's that" "never blow your nose while wearing sunglasses" Jake gets frustrated, trying to untangle his "ear buds". Ty bends over to help him, and then HIS earbuds get tangled up in Jake's... The guys, all hanging out together but none of them talking to each other. They are either on the phone, texting, reading, ogling girls, but not talking to each other. jake and ty get their ear wires tangled up together. it's hard to be humble when you're great! jake accidentally "butt-dials" cherry! jake is so busy ogling the girls, he accidentally pokes his eye with his slurpee straw believe it or not, but i do not eat chocolate. it's not a diet thing. i just can't eat anything that's brown... or yellow for that matter. Let me chill out and I'll see you when I'm thawed! jake accidentally "butt-dials" cherry! "hella oxidized!" Flirting with Cherie: That makes us step cousins in law. Cherie(pushing him away) Yeah, cousins in law… not common law JAKE: ah, she's just playin' hard to get. Those kinda girls, they're the kind you have to "rope in and drag in". the automatic bathrooms: the high school bathrooms were upgraded to automated... there was a school board decision to build a new gymnasium or have to upgrade the bathrooms because some dunces couldn't even flush the toilets, or have the courtesy to not throw trash in the toilet. As a joke/protest they flushed their schoolbooks down the toilet. It clogged the sewer system, and instead of getting to upgrade their gym, the school has to spend the money on the toilets instead. automatic toilet flushers (they don't work most of the time, at least, not until someone else comes along... the toilet doeesn't flush, and when it finally does..... someone else is trying to use the toilet. they there's someone ELSE's piss splashing everywhere. aaack! not only is it YOURS.... it's mixed with someone else's! automatic soap dispensers, automatic faucets, automatic paper towels, hand dryers.... how about automatic butt wipers? because jake is in a coma, he has lots of scenarios and nightmares going through his mind... until he realizes he has something to live for.... "tio's chili dog" chili... his nose starts wiggling, and he suddenly leaps out of his comatose hospital bed! Jake thinks the hot young nurse is going to give him a shot... he's actually looking forward to it.... and then this big, burly marine sergeant cum thug storms in... with a 3-foot hypodermic needle in his hand. (this is all a dream/nightmare) and then he wakes up. the pretty nurse is screaming! Then Jake wakes up! That didn't happen after all. the doctors come in and tell them they're going to have to amputate.... his entire body! doctors: we have to amputate/we have to perform an amputation Jake: of my foot? doctors: no, of your body. jake: whaaaatt?! doctors: I mean, your mind is fine... you don't have any brain damage, so far as we can see. /it might be too soon to tell. jake: whaaaatt?! doctors: (continuing) ... it's your BODY that has to be amputated. It's all messed up. You didn't take care of yourself and protect yourself. so now we have to cut it off. jake: my ENTIRE body?!? jake: my entire BODY?!? doctors: well, we can put your head in a box, y'know, so it doesn't roll around. doctor1: and we'll put your lungs in another box over here, and your pancreas... doctor2: you can live a perfectly long life, with just a head. as long as you have some external organs, lungs, heart and so forth... jake is in the operating room... the doctors have a chain saw suspended from the ceiling there is a group of interns there, watching. doctor1: we will now cut into his head! everyone flinches .... crowd shot of everyone flinching, then a cu of the chainsaw. then blood dripping. screams fill the air!!!!!!!! later on he has this recollection: ... it's your BODY that has to be amputated. It's all messed up. You didn't take care of yourself and protect yourself. so now we have to cut it off. just before he goes through this internal revelation to himself, like a coccoon changing into a butterfly, he gets woken out of his coma prematrely when he smells Meat's chili dog. jake is a chrysalus in formation, not yet a butterfly, when he gets shaken out of his protective casing, and emerges into the sun.... (not a beautiful butterfly) a wobbly, wormy looking catepillar with wings... he wasn't quite yet formed, but he's out now... so he'd better run for it. the relativees come in, talk about him in the past tense. Tommy says something to Troy (that troy finds obnoxious) "I remember when Jake was like 3 years old, and he took off his full diaper and wiped it all over the walls at your house.... during Thanksgiving dinner! (jane and troy staring blankly) (suddenly Mama is staring too) "ooohh hooo, that was sooo funny!!! Troy: now i remember why i didn't talk to him for ten years. analogies to the changing chrysalus/coccoon .... has to emerge too soon... a caterpillar with wings. jake starts having nice and peaceful dreams... good things happen. when jake starts calming down.... he's able to get closer to having everyone hear him. he can hear them, they don't think/know he can even hear them. so he's not as spiritually evolved as barley is... he's only spiritualy evolved when it suits him. jake is having frightening nightmares... and when he works through them, he starts to calm himself down . suddenly he's attracting good, positive things. instead of the former nurse (the marine guy), because of his newfound peaceful attitude, the pretty nurse comes to administer his shot instead. he gets nice flowers as gifts, not bug-infested tomato plants from someone's porch. THREE NIGHTMAREs: the bedpan hovering over his head, the amputated body, and ??? he has the frightning nightmares, then he's comforted by the thought of a butterfly, and a cocoon growing ... he calms down. then he starts to have calm, recollective thoughts about his life, and good things start happening, the pretty nurse, etc. while jake is in the coma, he has all these nightmares... that subside into pleasant dreams... and before he can finish his cocoon/chrysallus=like transformation, he is awoken by the smell of the chili dog... and he leaps up, a wormy caterpillar with butterfly wings.

(clucking to herself, clucking sadly)

Everyone feels entitled... Everyone feels free to complain about my cats... and when those certain people's kids do stupid things do "I" ever complain... no! Do I ever say "I told you so"? No! Do I ever say rude things?! No!

Ma to her dreaded cousin Mathilda
MATHILDA: I hope you don't have any cats around that place... they're dirty and they bring bad luck.
MA: I don't have a SINGLE cat!
MATHILDA: Good. Because by the rights of co-ownership I blah blah blah...


Later Barley/Timmy confronts Ma.
TIMMY: You said you didn't have a "single" cat.
MA: That's right Timmy. It's true. I don't have a single cat. I have 42 cats!

They both burst out laughing!
TOMMY: (off camera)
(bellowing)
I sure hope you're
looking for a job!


BARLEY:
Actually, I have
something lined up
at the crystal shop.


TOMMY: (off camera)
"Enjoy it??! You're
not supposed to enjoy.
your job!



LITTLER:
!-- (meekly)
--> That's my rainbow

LEAZA:
(shuddering
in disgust)
This isn't rainbow
colored... this is a
yucky color!