"Snail's Pace Productions Pleasant Facade Estates The Bizzy Buddies

The Night Before Christmas humorous illustrated story featuring The Bizzy Buddies writer illustrator Vuja Day

SCENE 1
INT. HOUSE - AFTERNOON

\par Jake and his buddies form a band and call it "Bongwater' Jake is the lead singer, and in the middle of their show he forgets the lyrics. his buddies yell:\par JAKE: I forgot the lyrics\par D'Man: It doesn't matter... make 'em up!\par \par The oily looking smarmy agent grabs their hands and shakes them.\par GREASEBALL: Hi, I'm Lou Sifer\par BARLEY: Something about this guy doesn't sound good...\par \par jake and barley's complicated relationship\par jake is hanging out with the wrong crowd. barley counsels him on drug use.\par \par JAKE: Hey... it's just a plant!\par \par BARLEY: Yeah... a plant that's been grown in fertilizer and sprayed with fungicide and insecticide and powdery mildew and spider mites...\par \par \par JAKE: I've never gotten in an accident before \par BARLEY: Every time you do that stuff you inch closer and closer to the edge of a cliff you don't want to go over.\par \par JAKE: (stunned and stoned) Wow...\par \par \par \par \par \par Jake and "The Losers". Loser crowd. The name of their band is "Bong Water"\par Jake performs for the first time NOT high \par JAKE: ... and I even remembered ALL of the lyrics!\par \par Jake and Barley end up forming a "band" through default of several other bands disbanding.\par \par \par The other guys are sprawled on the couch... piles of boxes of pizza and desserts and chips and theyre playing video games\par \par GUY1: I don't see anything wrong with weed!\par \par DOCTOR: He might be the same person, and he might not. TROY: That could be good or bad... depending, huh? Then his hospital is overrun with family members who haven't spoken to each other in years (Troy and Tommy), and they are arguing and saying things over his body like "aw, he can't hear". They also talk about him in the past tense. "He was such a sweet boy" Barley visits Jake and brings a "healing concoction" of dried worm's poop and squirrel urine. "If the worm poop doesn't get ya, the squirrel urine will" Jake is completely aware, but he can't open his eyes or move. Each person who comes to visit, he describes for the reader. Lance is frozen in a position with his eyes closed and his tongue hanging out. The hospital staff has to spray his tongue to keep it from drying out. "His tongue! It moved! " Dr.: Lance, if you can hear me, wiggle your tongue 2 times. If you can't hear me, wiggle your tongue 3 times. His friends try to wake him from his coma by bringing ibn a ghetto blaster with his favorite band "hella Oxidized" they end up driving everyone else out of the wing and the police arrive, but Jake is still in a coma. Jakes friends want to snap him out of his coma, bring ghetto blaster with his favorite band "urgent urge" blast it in his room, nurses go out running, security comes in and drags guys out. glass is breaking, nurses running around covering their heads, security, other comatose patients waking up, but not Jake. Someone brings Jake's two dog and cat to the hospital, rat too, and they end up running all around. Boopsie the alligator is there too His friends talk about their psychiatry class, decide to bring him out of his coma by playing his favorite music. They sneak into his hospital room and blast "skull milk" at 100db and get thrown out of the hospital. Lots of people come to visit/pay their respects ... Jake is having an out-of-body experience where he is describing each person who comes to visit. His body is down below on the bed. They talk about him in the past tense. they bring food, and use his body as a table. The relatives come to visit, weeping and wailing and fighting with each other over his body that's in the middle. Tommy and Troy haven't talked in 10 years, and they end up fighting and then making up in Lance's hospital room. Various relatives come to pay their "respects" and talk, not knowing Lance can hear them all. family members are sitting on opposite sides of bed, arguing about the past, while Jake is in the middle, hearing everything but can't do anything about it. THREE NIGHTMAREs: the bedpan hovering over his head, the amputated body, and ??? timmy is busy monitoring his you.tube acount, how many hits and visits and thumbs down.. timmy writes a blog about being at jakes bedside. They are talking about Jake in "past tense" .... WAS. Even though Jake can't talk, he can hear, but his relatives don't know that. they start arguing over his body. he's thinking "oh, I hate Aunt Zelda's perfume and Uncle Orson ate too much garlic". JAKE: I am worried, because one of the last things I did in life was lie to the doctors. It is because of that lie that I am here now. THE DEAD: (to Jake's soul hovering above bed) You are "unripe fruit" and it's not your time yet. JAKE: God if you let me live, I'll never lie or complain aabout school again. Tommy and uncle Troy yelling at each other JAKE: (I want to die) Lance listening to relatives talk about him (and his things) Family members sitting around, looking at him. Aunt Trina: I can't believe he still wears Ninja Turtles underwear. Cousin1: who gets his skateboard if he dies? Aunt: shush, Jerry, don't talk like that! Cousin2: I do! Lance is thinking: "You aren't getting my skateboard, you little puke!" While jake is in his coma he comes to the realization that he was trying to fake people, by being someone something that he really wasn't. He tried being a "skateboarder" without the necessary work/responsibility involved. While in his coma, jake remembers someone saying "If you don't define yourself, someone else will. So choose, if you don't want to be defined by others, define yourself first. Jake realizes that he was always trying to be something he wasn't, like a pro skate board rider. "I won't try to be anyone else. I will be ME... and I am HUNGRY!!! Family members sitting around, looking at him. Cousin1: who gets his skateboard if he dies? Aunt: shush, Jerry, don't talk like that! Cousin2: I do! Cousin Meat is sitting there, dripping chili dog on his Jake's blankets. Jake's nose hairs are wriggling, and he flashes out of his coma, screaming "Gimme that!!!" FRIEND: Who gets his skateboard? Jake's nose hairs wiggle when he smells something - it's cousin Meat's chili dog from "Morty's" dog house. His nose hairs are wriggling as the chilidog is dripping on his bed. Lance's nose starts to wiggle at the smell of a chili dog being eaten (and dripped) over him. He suddenly wakes up out of his coma... JAKE: HEY GIMMEE THAT!!!! jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj JAKE: And then there's this... BARLEY: They're there... Barley bends down to comfort the snail. BARLEY: There, there. jake gets to a stop sign with his board. the car driver is being overly nice, motions him to go ahead. jake motions him to go ahead. then they both go, and they collide into one another. then it's "you asshole" "you ruined my board" don't be messin' with the method! jake in hospital - red oozes out of his mouth, it's red jello. people visiting jake in hospital "cherry can't come" "she's too distraught?" "no, she had a nail appointment" skateboarding + girl-watching = hospital "Darn these allergies" "I just learned something important when trying to impress chicks" "what's that" "never blow your nose while wearing sunglasses" Jake gets frustrated, trying to untangle his "ear buds". Ty bends over to help him, and then HIS earbuds get tangled up in Jake's... The guys, all hanging out together but none of them talking to each other. They are either on the phone, texting, reading, ogling girls, but not talking to each other. jake and ty get their ear wires tangled up together. it's hard to be humble when you're great! jake accidentally "butt-dials" cherry! jake is so busy ogling the girls, he accidentally pokes his eye with his slurpee straw believe it or not, but i do not eat chocolate. it's not a diet thing. i just can't eat anything that's brown... or yellow for that matter. Let me chill out and I'll see you when I'm thawed! jake accidentally "butt-dials" cherry! "hella oxidized!" Flirting with Cherie: That makes us step cousins in law. Cherie(pushing him away) Yeah, cousins in law… not common law JAKE: ah, she's just playin' hard to get. Those kinda girls, they're the kind you have to "rope in and drag in". the automatic bathrooms: the high school bathrooms were upgraded to automated... there was a school board decision to build a new gymnasium or have to upgrade the bathrooms because some dunces couldn't even flush the toilets, or have the courtesy to not throw trash in the toilet. As a joke/protest they flushed their schoolbooks down the toilet. It clogged the sewer system, and instead of getting to upgrade their gym, the school has to spend the money on the toilets instead. automatic toilet flushers (they don't work most of the time, at least, not until someone else comes along... the toilet doeesn't flush, and when it finally does..... someone else is trying to use the toilet. they there's someone ELSE's piss splashing everywhere. aaack! not only is it YOURS.... it's mixed with someone else's! automatic soap dispensers, automatic faucets, automatic paper towels, hand dryers.... how about automatic butt wipers? because jake is in a coma, he has lots of scenarios and nightmares going through his mind... until he realizes he has something to live for.... "tio's chili dog" chili... his nose starts wiggling, and he suddenly leaps out of his comatose hospital bed! Jake thinks the hot young nurse is going to give him a shot... he's actually looking forward to it.... and then this big, burly marine sergeant cum thug storms in... with a 3-foot hypodermic needle in his hand. (this is all a dream/nightmare) and then he wakes up. the pretty nurse is screaming! Then Jake wakes up! That didn't happen after all. the doctors come in and tell them they're going to have to amputate.... his entire body! doctors: we have to amputate/we have to perform an amputation Jake: of my foot? doctors: no, of your body. jake: whaaaatt?! doctors: I mean, your mind is fine... you don't have any brain damage, so far as we can see. /it might be too soon to tell. jake: whaaaatt?! doctors: (continuing) ... it's your BODY that has to be amputated. It's all messed up. You didn't take care of yourself and protect yourself. so now we have to cut it off. jake: my ENTIRE body?!? jake: my entire BODY?!? doctors: well, we can put your head in a box, y'know, so it doesn't roll around. doctor1: and we'll put your lungs in another box over here, and your pancreas... doctor2: you can live a perfectly long life, with just a head. as long as you have some external organs, lungs, heart and so forth... jake is in the operating room... the doctors have a chain saw suspended from the ceiling there is a group of interns there, watching. doctor1: we will now cut into his head! everyone flinches .... crowd shot of everyone flinching, then a cu of the chainsaw. then blood dripping. screams fill the air!!!!!!!! later on he has this recollection: ... it's your BODY that has to be amputated. It's all messed up. You didn't take care of yourself and protect yourself. so now we have to cut it off. just before he goes through this internal revelation to himself, like a coccoon changing into a butterfly, he gets woken out of his coma prematrely when he smells Meat's chili dog. jake is a chrysalus in formation, not yet a butterfly, when he gets shaken out of his protective casing, and emerges into the sun.... (not a beautiful butterfly) a wobbly, wormy looking catepillar with wings... he wasn't quite yet formed, but he's out now... so he'd better run for it. the relativees come in, talk about him in the past tense. Tommy says something to Troy (that troy finds obnoxious) "I remember when Jake was like 3 years old, and he took off his full diaper and wiped it all over the walls at your house.... during Thanksgiving dinner! (jane and troy staring blankly) (suddenly Mama is staring too) "ooohh hooo, that was sooo funny!!! Troy: now i remember why i didn't talk to him for ten years. analogies to the changing chrysalus/coccoon .... has to emerge too soon... a caterpillar with wings. jake starts having nice and peaceful dreams... good things happen. when jake starts calming down.... he's able to get closer to having everyone hear him. he can hear them, they don't think/know he can even hear them. so he's not as spiritually evolved as barley is... he's only spiritualy evolved when it suits him. jake is having frightening nightmares... and when he works through them, he starts to calm himself down . suddenly he's attracting good, positive things. instead of the former nurse (the marine guy), because of his newfound peaceful attitude, the pretty nurse comes to administer his shot instead. he gets nice flowers as gifts, not bug-infested tomato plants from someone's porch. THREE NIGHTMAREs: the bedpan hovering over his head, the amputated body, and ??? he has the frightning nightmares, then he's comforted by the thought of a butterfly, and a cocoon growing ... he calms down. then he starts to have calm, recollective thoughts about his life, and good things start happening, the pretty nurse, etc. while jake is in the coma, he has all these nightmares... that subside into pleasant dreams... and before he can finish his cocoon/chrysallus=like transformation, he is awoken by the smell of the chili dog... and he leaps up, a wormy caterpillar with butterfly wings.

(clucking to herself, clucking sadly)

Everyone feels entitled... Everyone feels free to complain about my cats... and when those certain people's kids do stupid things do "I" ever complain... no! Do I ever say "I told you so"? No! Do I ever say rude things?! No!

Ma to her dreaded cousin Mathilda
MATHILDA: I hope you don't have any cats around that place... they're dirty and they bring bad luck.
MA: I don't have a SINGLE cat!
MATHILDA: Good. Because by the rights of co-ownership I blah blah blah...


Later Barley/Timmy confronts Ma.
TIMMY: You said you didn't have a "single" cat.
MA: That's right Timmy. It's true. I don't have a single cat. I have 42 cats!

They both burst out laughing!
TOMMY: (off camera)
(bellowing)
I sure hope you're
looking for a job!


BARLEY:
Actually, I have
something lined up
at the crystal shop.


TOMMY: (off camera)
"Enjoy it??! You're
not supposed to enjoy.
your job!



LITTLER:
!-- (meekly)
--> That's my rainbow

LEAZA:
(shuddering
in disgust)
This isn't rainbow
colored... this is a
yucky color!